Brains.

Happy 21st birthday to Lindsay Lohan! Now she can legally eat brains. (I saw in the tabloids she's already been sneaking a few. You can tell from the way it's ruined her voice. Shame on her!)

Brains.

Inspired by here.

Brains.

Hey, it's a picture of my zombie cat, Bub! (Before my zombie dog ate him.)


Source: LOLBRAINZ

Brains.

Briiiiiaaannnsss...

No, that's not a typo. Today, I ate the brains of Brian Williams, Brian Dennehy, Brian Austin Green, and Brian Posehn.

They all play golf together. Who'da thunk it?

Brains.

Well, I caught Ashley Tisdale, and I was all ready to eat her brains.

Then she promised me a part in Haunted High School Musical.

What can I say? I've always wanted to sing. And maybe I can eat Zac Efron's brains instead.

This could be the start of something new...

Brains.

Well, it's about time!

The Zombie Uprising has begun, and I am all over it. In fact... I sort of started it.

I was in Starbucks, and I just wanted a caramel frappuccino, I swear. The "barista" (if that is a real word, and I suspect it isn't) asked me what size I wanted, and I said, "Small." And he said, "Do you mean tall?"

I thought he had misheard me (I have trouble enunciating ever since my tongue fell out), so I said, "No, I want a small."

He said, "A small is a tall." And I said, "That doesn't make any sense. Tall sounds like a large drink." And he said, "Not here at Starbucks!"

And then I looked at the board on the wall, and said, "Oh, I guess grande is a large, then." And he said, "No, grande is a medium." And I said, "But grande literally means 'large' in Italian," and he said, "Starbucks isn't Italian," and I said, "Well, you're trying to be all faux-Italian, aren't you, Mr. Barista," and he said, "Whatever, our large is called a venti," and that's when I ate his brains. Stuffed them in the blender, added some ice and caramel and whipped cream, and had me a brain frappuccino. Dee-lish!

Then I started eating everybody else's brains, and things got kind of out of hand. Next thing you know: Zombie Uprising.

I'm just taking a break from all the brain eating, blogging from my laptop in the Starbucks. Free wi-fi! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to track down Ashley Tisdale and eat her brains before the military gets things back under control. (I'm a big fan of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.)

Brains.

Hey, answer me this. Did I really just see the cast of The View swarm upon and gorily devour Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brains after she claimed that the E. coli-tainted Taco Bell food was "probably caused by gay marriage"? Or did I just dream that?

If I dreamed it, please don't tell me.

Brains.

As a rotting, stinking carcass reanimated in a violation of all that is good and holy, I sometimes have self esteem problems.


It helps to have someone to look down on.

Brains.

Zombie Tom lives again! (For the moment, anyway.)

Much like Zombie Tinkerbell, your clapping, in the form of comments (an average of more than one for every month I've been away! A veritable tsunami!), has resurrected me. I can not thank you enough.

By which I mean, give me your brains. To eat.

Brains.

I am going to eat the brains of every single person who is responsible for the "Silly Little Fairy" commercial for Dodge.

I am so not even kidding about this. Those people have forfeited their brain privileges.

Brains.

Happy birthday to Katee Sackhoff!

26. She's 26 years old today. And you know what the traditional birthday gift for 26 is? A brain-eatin'.

I'm gonna have my very own zombie Starbuck. Beat that, nerds!

Brains.

Hey, these guys write a zombie blog, too. Only, as far as I can tell, they don't actually eat any brains. Which frankly is pretty weak. But they've recently posted about the Necronomicon and Re-Animator, which is cool enough that I probably won't eat their brains. Today.

Brains.

I ran into Zombie Eve Longoria again yesterday. She apologized for eating all my brains last time I saw her. I thought that was sweet.

I said I'd forgive her if she let me turn Nicollette Sheridan into a zombie. (I'm still mad at Paige for killing Peter.) She told me that Nicollette was engaged to Michael Bolton. I said forget it, that's already punishment enough.

Brains.

Charlie* don't surf, and zombies don't snowboard. I should've remembered that before I went to Tahoe this weekend.

I broke seventeen bones. Fortunately only five of them were mine.

I also ate seventeen brains. I think the one I found in the woods was Sonny Bono's.

---

*I don't know which Charlie this means, but I bet it's Charlie Rose.

Brains.

Snakes on a Plane isn't due to be released until August 18, and already I'm so sick of hearing about it that I swear I'm going to eat the brains of the next 1,000 people on the internet who reference it, either ironically or in all sincerity.

That said, I'm still gonna see it on opening day. It's SNAKES on a PLANE, dude.

Brains.

If someone doesn't get cracking on organizing a Night Court reunion movie while all the leads are still alive and relatively presentable (Harry Anderson's getting pretty chunky, yo), I'm going to start eating all their brains out of spite.

But not Markie Post. Never my Markie.

Brains.

Remember on Sesame Street, when beloved corner shop owner Mr. Hooper died? And then the adults in the neighborhood had to explain to Big Bird that Mr. Hooper wasn't going to be coming back? I think that was one of the most touching and powerful moments in not just children's TV, but in all television history.

When Mr. Hooper's zombified corpse returned and devoured the original Gordon? Slightly less touching. But about 100 times as awesome.

Brains.

If I were to have my own TV sitcom, I think I'd like to play the comically uptight owner of a delightful little bed and breakfast located in a quaintly colorful small town. My staff would include a wacky chef, possibly with a funny accent, a surly but lovable handyman, and a pretty maid who may or may not be in love with me as the owner.

Then, every night, we would feast on the brains of our guests in a horrifically graphic and violent orgy of gore.

Maybe I would have a catch phrase, too. "Them brains is grub-a-licious!!"

Brains.

I was listening to some Jim Gaffigan, and he got me thinking, you know what would go good in a Hot Pocket?

Brains.

Braaaaaaaain Pocket!

Brains.

So, have you heard about this "Poker" game that is apparently all the rage? "Texas Hold Them Poker"?

Some guy I sat next to on the bus the other day started telling me about this game. He was talking non-stop about his pocket snowmen and his rainbow flops and catching trips on the river, and all kinds of junk that made no sense. It was very, very annoying.

Every other passenger on the bus cheered when I ate his brains.

Then I ate all of their brains, too.

That's a good story.

Brains.

You ever wake up late at night and have a craving for some weird food for a midnight snack? That happened to me last night. I woke up and I could not stop thinking about eating Maria Bamford's brains. Sadly, I was fresh out.

I wonder if the Comedians of Comedy are still touring.

Brains.

Today, instead of doing something useful like tracking down some brains, and eating said brains, I spent my valuable time on the internets, following a fake flame war between Warren Ellis and Joss Whedon, and looking up The Gary Coleman Show on IMDb.

Man, I don't even deserve brains today.

Brains.

As I'm sure you're all aware, the zombie Olympics are being held concurrently with the "real" Olympics. Zombie Jim Thorpe lit the torch. It was very moving.

My favorite event is brain curling. No matter who wins, at the end, you stick the broom handle into the brain: everybody gets brainsicles!

Brains.

Sometimes people ask me, "Zombie Tom? What is the most perfect song ever created by which to eat brains?"

And I always tell them: "Rainbow in the Dark," by Ronnie James Dio.

Then I fire up the iPod, and eat the hell out of their brains.

Brains.

Zombie Tom's answer to today's Friday Five:

1. Brains.
2. Brains.
3. Brains.
4. Hot Shots Golf 3.
5. Brains.

You can pretty much just fill that in for every week.

Brains.

I love it when someone says, "I'm the brains behind this organization," or, "I'm the brains of this outfit," or whatever.

Under zombie law, that is an explicit and legally-enforceable invitation to brain-eating. In fact, I could get in trouble for not eating your brain after that.

It's like inviting a vampire into your home. What did you think was gonna happen?

Brains.

Hey, remember when I said Stephen King should write a zombie novel?



I take it back.

Brains.

I'm a mindless, soulless, rotting husk of what used to be a man, propelled not by intelligence, but by an instinctive, insatiable hunger for human flesh, animated by some inexplicable dark evil... and even I could program better than the people at Fox.

Let us all hope that, like myself, Arrested Development rises from the dead and stalks the Earth once again. Perhaps on basic cable.

Brains.

Today I got so mad at my boss, I wanted to eat his brains. So I did. Then I remembered I don't have a job. Man, they are never letting me back into that library again.

Brains.

Has Stephen King ever written a zombie novel? If not, he should.



Because the junk he's writing these days sucks wicked hard.

Brains.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Brains.

Best Buy is freakin' awesome.



Dawn of the Dead/Shaun of the Dead DVD 2-pack for twenty bucks. Score!!

Brains.

A bunch of zombies attacked American Idol.

Man, I wish I'd been there! That's gonna be, like, the Woodstock of zombies, and I missed out. Oh, well, as long as someone ate the brains of that freak Clay Aiken.

Brains.

I'm going to my buddy Zombie Joe's wedding today. He's marrying a mummy, which has made his family a little uncomfortable. But I say, hey, as long as they're happy killing people together, that's all that matters.

I got them a gift from their wedding registry at Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave. It's a cerebellum baller. It's like a melon baller, but for... well, you get the idea.

Brains.

I've been told some guy named Tom Collins mentioned this blog in a letter printed in this month's issue of The Walking Dead.



Frankly, I don't much care for comics. Especially ones about zombies. I'm more of a TV-and-video-games kind of zombie. But I figure this one is pretty okay, even if it doesn't really tell the zombie side of things very well.

This guy Collins, though, has got no call getting all up in my business like that. His brains are toast, mark my words! (I'd say read my lips, but I can't find them. I think I left them in a taxi last week.)

Brains.

I was talking to my buddy Zombie Tony today, and he said, "You know what's funny?"

"No, what?" I said, already grinning because I knew a big joke was coming.

"What's funny," he said, with a gleam in his eye (the one that's left), "is when you kill someone and eat their brains!!"

OH MAN!!! That is funny!! That is so funny. Zombie Tony, man. I swear, he busts me up. "When you kill somebody and eat their brains." Whoo! Where does he get them?? I mean, it works on so many levels. And you know what? It's funny because it's true.

Zombie Tony. He could totally be the Zombie Jerry Seinfeld. If Jerry Seinfeld weren't already the Zombie Jerry Seinfeld. (Shh! That's a secret.)

Brains.

Sometimes I wish there were such a thing as screw-top skulls. I swear, cracking those cabezas open can be as frustrating as trying to open a child-proof aspirin bottle.

I even wrote the ad copy for the commercial already.

"Screw-top skulls! For when you need brains, and you need them now. Byyyyyyy Mennen!"

Brains.

Yesterday this dude was tailgating me. Just being a real jerk, right up on my bumper, beeping and flashing his lights, even though there was very clearly a car right in front of me, too. What do you want me to do, drive over him? Jerk.

He was so obnoxious. I just wished that I could stop him and kill him and eat his brains. And then I remembered: oh, yeah... I can.

They tasted like rage. And, oddly, boysenberries.

Brains.

You'd think I'd get tired of saying "Nice to eat you" to my victims before I devour their brains, but I seriously never do.

"Eat" you. Hee hee hee.

Brains.

More people who have linked to me, sparing their brains for the time being:

RGB Alliance, home of frequent commenter Archangel Rokan

What?, by Cassarass

The boards of Morningstar Saga. Bonus points to these guys for posting a most excellent image from The Return of the Living Dead, which would probably get me in trouble if it appeared on my computer screen at work. If I had work other than eating brains.

---

Most surprising thing I heard today:

Dick Clark is not a zombie. I know, coulda fooled me. Turns out he's actually an energy being from a planet somewhere in the Ursa Major constellation. Huh. You learn something new every day!

Brains.

I always get depressed when I see old black & white movies, because I think of how many of the actors must be dead by now, and how many of them it would've been awesome to turn into zombies. If only I had been a zombie before Jimmy Stewart had died. What an honor it would've been to eat his brains! Plus, maybe he could've made a sequel to Harvey. Harvey was rad. Zombie Harvey would've been, like, ten times as rad. At least.

Brains.

The best movie ever made by a Zombie: The Devil's Rejects, written and directed by Rob Zombie.

The second best: my ex-neighbor Bob the Zombie's video of his daughter's bat mitzvah. When she chants the Torah, I get a little verklempt every time.

Brains.

You can find out all kinds of stuff about brains from the Atkins people, but nothing about what I need to know: how many carbs do they have?

(I'm watching my weight for my ten-year high school reunion. 'Cause I plan on eating a crapload of brains when I get there. Those guys were jerks.)

Brains.

I should acknowledge a few more people who have linked to me recently, which means their brains are 100% safe from being eaten (as long as I don't see them, or smell them, or, say, decide to hunt them down because I'm bored):

Quixotic Crap

Blue Tea

end of days and all that (That post is so filled with zombie links it even gives me pause)

The Program Witch Pages

Maktaaq (Gesundheit!)

Cladestine Critic

and Where the Monsters Go, a Horror Weblog Update page run by Sean T. Collins, who knows a thing or two about horror blogging. I'd have added the link to my sidebar by now, but changing my site's template makes me a cranky zombie. Soon.

Thanks for the links, and apologies if I've missed anyone. If I've missed you, please let me know, and I'll be around to collect your brain shortly. I mean, I'll return the link. Oh what a giveaway!

Brains.

I see the South Koreans have cloned a dog. I think I need to pay them a visit with my zombie dog, Bub. I'm gonna order up about a hundred clone zombie dogs from those guys. (If I don't eat their brains first.)

My mailman was already terrified of Bub. I can't wait to see his face when I unleash my clone zombie dog army on him! He'll think twice before ripping the cover of my Entertainment Weekly again, I'll bet.

Brains.

Can I get serious here for a moment? I know I like to have fun here with my little weblog, but if you will humor me, I'd like to make a statement, and I'd appreciate your earnest and respectful attention.

Thanks. Ahem:

GIVE ME YOUR BRAINS RIGHT NOW!!! I AM SO DAMN HUNGRY!!! BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNSS!!!!!!

Whew! I feel better now.

Brains.

I bought the DVD for The Return of the Living Dead, and it's every bit as great as I remembered it to be. You have to admire the ingenuity of the zombie who uses the radio in the police car: "Send... more... cops!" And Freddy makes the most romantic speech I've ever heard in a movie: "I love you, and that's why you have to let me eat your braaaaaaiins!!" Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that to a gal... I'd have a buck thirty-five.

Brains.

I know Winnie-the-Pooh is a bear of very little brain, but I'd eat it anyhow.

Brains.

Sorry I've been out of touch for a while. I went to my buddy Zombie Lew's bachelor party, and had a few too many brain shooters. I was sleeping off the hangover in the alley (as is my wont), and some jackass up and buried me! Took me a week to dig my way out.

Man, I'm hungry. You try eating nothing but worm brains for a week.

Brains.

I've been playing this new game on the internets, called Urban Dead. It's "A Massively Multi-Player Web-Based Zombie Apocalypse." Which means it's kind of like Kingdom of Loathing (but much less funny) -- you get so many turns in which to explore, fight, gain experience points, and suchlike; turns are replenished each day. I'm playing as a zombie, of course. (Of corpse!)

The game's a work in progress, and it's a little frustrating so far. You get 50 turns per day, max, and those turns evaporate pretty quickly without much progress being made. I've played for two days already, and I have yet to come close to eating any brains. And in betwen sessions, I totally got killed! (I came back; I'm a zombie, after all.) But it shows promise. Check it out.

Brains.

I've been sluggish about updating recently; since I put up that "Religious Proselytizers and Door-To-Door Salesmen Welcome" sign, my life's been nothing but one long smorgasbord. My belly-hole's so crammed with brains, I can barely see my toes anymore!

Anyway, I wanted to thank a few new sites for recently linking to me:

ScribblingWoman
Brainpoop
Siege Mentality

I'd drive right over and eat all their brains, but I drive an Acura Integra, and some jerk stole it!

Brains.

This is my favorite cartoon character:


Bet you can't guess why.

Brains.

This comic makes me ashamed to be a zombie.


Avoid at all costs.

Brains.

I got the possum out. I lit a tree branch on fire and shoved it into the hole in my gut and smoked the little critter out. Last I saw he was scampering away with what appeared to be my appendix.

Also, I smell like an oak pit barbecue.

And I'm still hungry. Hmm... I wonder what possum brains taste like?

Brains.

I thought my stomach was growling because I haven't had any brains for almost a week now, but it turns out that the noise is actually from a rabid possum that crawled in through that pesky hole in my gut. I can't get it out. I think it's having babies.

Brains.

In the comments to last Friday's post, Archangel Rokan asked if I'd name my top ten zombie movies. Never let it be said I don't take requests. (Unless your request is that I stop eating your brains, which I must respectfully but firmly decline.)

I'm excluding Land of the Dead from consideration. It's too recent, and I've only seen it once; it has yet to become fixed in its proper historical context. But as for the others:

10. Return of the Living Dead 3: A tender love story between a boy and his zombie girlfriend, Julie. Hey, any movie featuring Adam-12's Kent McCord has got it going on right from the start. Includes the immortal line: "Julie, are you eating him?" Yes. Yes, she is.

9. 28 Days Later: For a zombie movie that wants to pretend it's not a zombie movie, it's a pretty darn good zombie movie. Brendan Gleeson is brilliant. Darn that monkey virus!

8. Zombie: I have not seen nearly enough of Italian director Lucio Fulci's work, but I intend to correct that; of what I have seen, this is the best. A zombie fights a shark in this movie. A ZOMBIE FIGHTS A SHARK IN THIS MOVIE!!!

7. Cemetery Man: Another Italian film, and Rupert Everett's finest role. By turns darkly humorous and intensely, emotionally cruel, this is a most bizarre and affecting zombie movie.

6. Shaun of the Dead: The best of the recent crop of zombie flicks (again, with Land of the Dead taken out of consideration), it succeeds as both comedy and horror. I just wish it had led to Spaced getting an American DVD release. Damn it!

5. The Return of the Living Dead: The original fast zombie movie! (I'm pretty sure.) Also, the original zombie comedy! (I think.) In the middle of the vast '80s glut of horror movies, this stood out as one of the rare films to possess some real character and inventiveness. Plus Linnea Quigley's graveyard dance is super hot. I think I identify with these zombies the most. Brains!!

4. Night of the Living Dead: The godfather of the modern zombie genre; the benchmark against which all followers must be compared. A devastating snapshot of a nation's psyche; a terrifying exercise in claustrophobic dread and horror. "They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

3. Day of the Dead: George A. Romero created a masterpiece, then outdid himself twice. This second sequel took on the gung-ho military mindset so prevalent in the '80s, and also introduced the world to Bub, the best zombie ever.

2. Dead Alive: The goriest film ever made. Also a tremendously funny one. And, as in 28 Days Later, it all starts with a monkey. Pesky zombie monkeys! Peter Jackson is wasting his talents on giant chimps and talking trees. He needs to make more movies with evil zombie babies and ninja priests who say, "I kick arse for the Lord!"

1. Dawn of the Dead: I've already attested to the fact that this is the greatest movie of all time, so it should be no surprise to find it at #1 on this list. Great zombie effects, even by today's standards, and even accounting for the very fake, bright red paint-like blood, which is oddly charming. The intensely paranoid atmosphere outstrips the first, making this the scariest of Romero's Dead canon. This was a quantum leap forward for zombies, and horror films in general.

Missing from this list: Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series. Those movies seem to be more about demon possession than straight-up zombies. But if I were to count them, Evil Dead II ("Groovy!") would go right behind Dead Alive, with Army of Darkness ("Come get some!") following immediately after.

Brains.

If this Australian zombie movie, which is just now being released in American theaters, is not marketed in the U.S. with the tagline, "Put another brain on the barbie" -- you're all fired.

Brains.

RJM at The Baboon Bellows is mad that Cartoon Network cut a line out of a Futurama rerun, in which Prof. Farnsworth makes reference to "Sweet Zombie Jesus."

I don't understand why the line was cut, but I also don't understand why RJM is so upset, citing "politically correct" motives. What does that have to do with anything? I mean, I know Zombie Jesus. He works at the Mexican restaurant down the block. Makes the best brain enchilada in town. And he doesn't mind. He just says, "That's show biz."

By the way... I like Zombie Jesus, I think he's a fine, upstanding member of the Latino zombie community. But I don't think I would go so far as to call him "sweet". Frankly, I think "putrid" would be a more apt descriptor.

(Link once again courtesy of Greg at Delenda Est Carthago. He seems a little too interested in zombies, if you know what I mean. He even mentions my zombie dog, Bub. Greg, dude, stop co-opting my culture, all right? Zombie pride!)

Brains.

How I love Independence Day! Hey, even zombies get patriotic.

Zombie Samuel Adams and I caught the parade, and we're going to a brain barbecue at Zombie John Hancock's later. I'm not really looking forward to that; after a few drinks, Sam always makes fun of John's huge signature, and John always tells Sam that his beer tastes like armpits, and then they smack the powdered wigs off each other's heads with little girly slaps. It's very embarrassing.

Brains.

I need to go make a withdrawal from the brain bank. Hope I'm not overdrawn.

(Thanks to Greg of Delenda Est Carthago for the link.)

Brains.

Saw Land of the Dead today. What can I say? Genius, pure, unsullied genius. Best film of the past 20 years (which was when Day of the Dead was released). If you do not see this film, if you go see that freak Tom Cruise's film instead, I swear to all that is unholy, I will hunt you down and eat the crap out of your brains. I am not even kidding.

I will also say this, and I can not stress enough how important this is: if Big Daddy is not nominated for an Oscar for Best Lead Performance by a Zombie, I will personally devour the brains of every single member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Even you, Ed Begley Jr.! Don't think I won't!!

Brains.

I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry, if I only had a brain.

Brains.

Okay, I might as well 'fess up as to why I haven't yet seen the Master's grand finale to his Dead tetralogy (that's right, I said tetralogy). It's not like you haven't read about it in the gossip sheets already.

S