Brains.

I have a joke:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Brains.

Brains who OH GOOD LORD PLEASE STOP EATING MY BRAINS AIIEEE BLARGLE GASP.

It's funnier in person.

Brains.

Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I get a little sick of brains.

NAH! I'm just messing with you. I could eat brains morning, noon, and night. And believe me: I would know.

Brains.

I wish I were Mick Jagger. I hear he gets all kinds of brains.

Brains.

Where the brains at? Where the brains at?? Shee.

Brains.

Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! I almost wrote "Brians" instead of "Brains" just now! Har-de-har!! Isn't that high-larious? Ho ho ho, ho-ho. It is to laugh. Hee! Ahh, me.

If you were in front of me right now, I would eat your brains so fast.

Brains.

Oh, dude, those were some good brains.

I mean, I guess they were; my tongue fell out about a week ago. I can't really taste anything. I even tried eating my tongue, to see if that would help, somehow... but it didn't. I just felt kind of weird.

Where was I? Oh yeah: braaaaiiinnssss.

Brains.

Do you know what I miss about being alive?

Bowling.

Just kidding! I miss all the brains. Man, it would've been so easy to get brains back then! I totally missed out.

Brains.

You know what I hate? When the surviving humans shoot you and stuff, just because you want to crack open their skulls and devour the still-twitching brains inside. What's their deal?

Brains.

I would seriously pay you twenty dollars if you would let me eat your brains.

Forty?

Brains.

If a genie appeared to me and offered me three wishes, do you know what I would wish for?

Nothing, because I would be too busy eating the genie's brains.

Brains.

Today is tax day. Instead of frantically computing and filing my income tax, which is what I would have been doing, I find myself trapped in the re-animated husk of a human body, bereft of intelligence, driven only by my neverending hunger for brains, brains, and more brains.

It's a fair trade-off.

Brains.

Remember the movie Forrest Gump? Remember Forrest's friend, Bubba, who could only talk about shrimp, and all the ways he liked to eat shrimp? Bubba sure loved him some shrimp. "Pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp..." Kind of like me and brains. You know how much I like brains?

Do you see where I'm going with this? No?

I'll tell you. My point is: I would totally eat Bubba's brains. That son of a gun had a huge head. I could eat for days.

Brains.

Sometimes I think, maybe I think about brains too much.

But then I think: brains.

Brains.

Even though I'm a zombie, and I'm cursed to wander the earth, damned to an existence neither alive nor dead, plagued by a ceaseless, bottomless, agonizing craving for human brains -- even with all that going for me, I'm still a little dissatisfied with my situation.

Know what would help? You guessed it! Brains, and lots of 'em.

Brains.

I saw Eva Longoria today. She's a zombie, too. I offered her some brains I had, and she totally ate them all! Jeez! That's the last time I do that.

Brains.

Damnation, I want me some brains! Get me some brains up in here!!