Friday, March 29, 2013


I was telling a friend of mine about the Harry Potter Legos video game I've been playing (I like to play as Dobby). He interrupted me to say, in the smuggest voice possible, "The plural of Lego is Lego."

I'd like to say that's why I ate his brains, but if I'm being honest, they were getting eaten no matter what.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


I'm so embarrassed. All these years I thought the Eurythmics song was called "Here Comes The Brain Again." Some guy at karaoke told me last night. I ate his brains, but I appreciated the correction.

You know what? I prefer "Here Comes The Brain Again." Does anyone know where Annie Lennox lives?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


I'll admit I cried during Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, when Dobby the Elf died. But only because I didn't get to eat his brains.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I'm trying to sell 7-Eleven a Slurpee flavor I invented: Wild Cherry Brain Freeze. It tastes like cherries. But with brains.

Monday, March 18, 2013


Have you ever eaten something cold too fast and gotten "brain freeze"? Your brains aren't really frozen. I should know, I spent all day outside a 7-Eleven chomping on people who had just gotten Slurpees. At best, their brains tasted slightly like Mountain Berry Blast.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


I've been watching House of Cards on Netflix. I've decided I want to talk directly to the camera like Kevin Spacey does. So I hired a cameraman to follow me around and capture my wry asides.

EDIT: Ate cameraman's brains. Wish I had a cameraman to capture my sheepish shrug and ironic eyebrow raise.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


I see there's a Kickstarter project to make a Veronica Mars movie. I have mixed feelings about this. I was watching the TV show when I got zombified. I was only halfway through season 1. I still don't know who killed Lilly Kane!

I know who killed Amanda Seyfried, though. I did. I ate her brains. They made my list of "Hollywood's 30 Tastiest Brains Under 30!"

Monday, March 11, 2013


Everyone knows Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter, but did you know he wasn't the only president with such tendencies?

James K. Polk hunted werewolves.

Theodore Roosevelt drove the chupacabras south of the Rio Grande.

John Adams fought Victor Frankenstein.

Calvin Coolidge punched a mummy in the face.

Grover Cleveland defeated alien invasions on two non-consecutive occasions.

John Quincy Adams fought Victor Quincy Frankenstein.

And of course Zombie Richard Nixon betrayed and killed Zombie Spiro Agnew.

Saturday, March 09, 2013


I had to stop having "game night" at my house once all my friends figured out what I mean by "come over for some Cranium."

It means I ate their brains.

Friday, March 08, 2013


Finally got around to seeing Jennifer Lawrence in Zombie Linings Playbook. I know everyone else totally dug it but I thought it was a far too superficial look at zombieism and how it can affect relationships with loved ones. I mean, there was hardly even any brain-eating. I bet there was more dancing than brain-eating! What's that all about?

Wednesday, March 06, 2013


This whole "sequester" thing has got me thinking, maybe I need to make some cutbacks as well. From now on, I will eat 7.9% less of your brains. Provided you volunteer them immediately. And I get to eat the other 7.9% too.

Monday, March 04, 2013


Happy birthday to Pia Zadora, who has been a zombie since 1981.

I'm assuming. I mean, have you seen Butterfly?