Thursday, June 30, 2005


Okay, I might as well 'fess up as to why I haven't yet seen the Master's grand finale to his Dead tetralogy (that's right, I said tetralogy). It's not like you haven't read about it in the gossip sheets already.

So, here it is: I lied about going on vacation last week. The truth is, I was in court-ordered rehab for brain addiction at Betty Ford. And while I was there -- hoo, this is tough! -- while I was there, I... I ate Christian Slater's brains.

And Anne Heche's.

And Whitney Houston's.

And I'm very very sorry. I --

Oh, and one of the Olsen twins. I forget which one. But she was only there for "exhaustion" (wink, wink).

I know this was detrimental to my recovery process, and --

Oh, yeah, Robert Downey, Jr. was there, too. But he was also in for brain-eating. And I don't even think he's a zombie! Last I saw him, I think he was chasing Lindsay Lohan ("stress" -- wink!).

And I promise I won't do it again. I realize now I need to take my life one brain at a time.

Day! One day at a time.

Ah, the hell with it. Where's Ben Affleck?? I don't care if he's on his honeymoon! BRING ME THE AFFLECK!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005


I don't usually read comics, since they're generally aimed at people with less brains than I have (and my brain is deader than the Twist). But I had to address Zombie Tales, from Boom! Studios/Atomeka.


It's a collection of zombie-centric short stories, which is nice, I guess. But it's woefully unrepresentative of the average zombie's lifestyle, which, as I'm sure you well know by now, primarily involves the acquisition and consumption of human brains.

In fact, the only depiction of this essential zombie ritual occurs on page 29, and then only briefly, in one panel, with the resultant blood and gore rendered in lamentably tasteful and understated fashion. I mean, come on!! What is the point of portraying brain eating if you're not going to display in nauseating detail the nitty-gritty of the actual juicy, messy devouring of the brains? Sheesh!

I award this comic 11 brains. Which is the exact number of credited creators on the comic's cover, whose brains I will shortly acquire and consume. Mark Waid, Keith Giffen, Ron Lim: you have been warned! I am here to chew bubblegum and eat brains, and I'm all out of bubblegum!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


Well, I'm back from vacation, and I brought back my new pet with me:

Good puppy!

His name is Bub, and he's a zombie dog! Friendly, too. He always politely sniffs your hand before mauling the holy living hell out of you. Good doggie!

Thanks to Shane for pointing my way to the adoption agency. Can you believe people are giving them away? It's the same old story: they create these wonderful, undead, uncontrollably violent, bloodthirsty, brain-eating hell beasts, and then they decide that they don't make good pets for children. Ridiculous! Oh well, their loss, my gain.

Some of you may recall that I have a kitty cat who is also named Bub. I guess I should say I had a kitty cat. He doesn't really need the name anymore; new Bub totally ate the hell out of old Bub. Bad doggie! Now who's going to chase all those zombie mice?

Monday, June 20, 2005


I'm heading off on vacation today, so I'll be out of internet communication for about a week. Inspired by Sideways, and its depiction of California's lovely wine country, I'm taking a tour of California's lesser known but just as beautiful brain country.

And where exactly is brain country? Anywhere I say it is!

Friday, June 17, 2005


I spent four hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles today*. As I shuffled through the doors -- as usual, mindless, purposeless, bereft of compassion or reason -- and took a look around, I realized I had never felt so at home before.

I got a job application.

It seems like I'd fit right in, but the application is hard. I'm thinking about lying on question #3: "Do you enjoy eating human brains?" I suspect it's a trick question. I'm going to say "No: I eat human brains, but I don't enjoy it."

That job is as good as mine!

*No reason. I just like it there.

Thursday, June 16, 2005


Note to self: pick up some Funyuns at the corner market. I love Funyuns. Might as well stock up on brains while I'm at it. The bagboy should do nicely.

Also, add Die Wachen and BatesLine to the list of people whose brains I promise to eat last, in thanks for linking to me.*

*Offer not valid in Kentucky, Lesotho, Vatican City, and wherever it is Die Wachen and BatesLine are located.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


Zombie Tom's ultimate mix CD! This is my entry into Lefty Brown's Mixed Bag 2 CD exchange project. I didn't sign up for the project, and no one invited me, but I'm participating anyway, and anyone who doesn't like it may as well just scoop the brains out of their skull right now.

Warning: beware when clicking on the links to lyrics. I can't eat the brains of the proprietors of every lyrics site that tries to download junk on your computer, or has a million pop-ups, or whatever. I tried to find the safest links possible, but what's safe on my computer may not be so safe on yours.

When There's No More Room In Hell, This Mix Will Walk the Earth, or, Music To Eat Brains By

1. Tankard, intro to Zombie Attack
I open with a happy beginning: a zombie eats the lead singer of some obscure Germanic heavy metal band.

2. Rob Zombie, Living Dead Girl
The ultimate zombie artist. I almost included "Die, Zombie, Die" instead, but that's just mean. (Also, it kind of sucks.)

3. Murderdolls, She Was a Teenage Zombie
I'd never heard of these guys before this song, but they've got the zombie dating scene down cold. Which is apropos, since zombie daters tend to be cold. Ice cold.

4. The Zombies, She's Not There
I would go so far as to say, I would like these guys even if they didn't have such an excellent name.

5. Nas, Black Zombie
I debated whether or not to include this song. It contains frequent use of a racial epithet all too common to rap music, but that's not what made me hesitate; I don't feel any hatred behind the use of that word. What gave me pause was a line that could be interpreted as possibly anti-Arabic and anti-Semitic. Nas goes on to praise Islam in the next line -- but leaves a lingering doubt as to the anti-Semitism. I chose to assume the best, and included the song. I apologize if you see it differently. I'm a P.C. zombie, baby!

6. The Hooters, All You Zombies
Hee hee hee! Even a zombie has to laugh at "Hooters".

7. The Misfits, Braineaters
The first of three Misfits songs. What can I say? The Misfits are extremely zombie-friendly.

8. Palate cleanser #1: Katrina and the Waves, Walking On Sunshine
I find that a great mix needs to shift gears. So I include this song as a palate cleanser, if you will. From the light, happy, optimistic tunes about zombies ruling the earth, we switch to this deeply scary and disturbing dirge.

9. G. Love and Special Sauce, Night of the Living Dead
The beginning of the George A. Romero tribute trilogy.

10. Goblin, title theme to Dawn of the Dead
At least, I think it's the title theme. It's hard to tell, what with the song names being in Italian and all. At any rate, it's an instrumental track from the soundtrack to the greatest movie of all time.

11. The Misfits, Day of the Dead
More Misfits. I think Danzig is a zombie, but when I write to him and ask, my letters keep getting returned unopened. Maybe I shouldn't address them to the North Pole.

12. Hellbillys, Surf Zombies
Couldn't find the lyrics to this one, so I linked to the band instead. Despite the title, zombies don't actually surf all that often. We prefer boogie boarding.

13. Skycycle, It's Terror Time Again (from the Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island soundtrack)
The greatest animated movie of all time. For the first time, Scooby-Doo faces real monsters, and they're zombies! That's frickin' sweet.

14. The Misfits, Astro Zombies
Astro Zombies. Zombies... from space? Uh, sure. Why not? As far as you know, right? They'll eat your brains from geosynchronous orbit. Sucka!

15. Palate cleanser #2: Toni Basil, Mickey
The single most horrifying song ever performed. How's that for mixing things up? Hope I didn't scare you too badly.

16. The Cranberries, Zombie
When Dolores O'Riordan does that yodeling thing she does, it kind of sounds like me after my tongue fell out.

17. Groovie Ghoulies, Zombie Crush
I saw them open for The Donnas before I became a zombie. Man, I wish The Donnas were all zombies. And my roommates. And we solved crimes together. By the way, the link to the lyrics for this song are illustrative of the plagiaristic and stunted nature of the internet. The lyrics are slightly incorrect (where it says "sew my lips up" it should be "sew my lips shut," and where it says "sew my lips shut" it should be "sew my eyes up"), which isn't that alarming -- but the thing is every single other lyrics site on the entire internet has the exact same errors in the lyrics. The first person to transcribe the lyrics got it wrong; not one other person on the whole world wide web bothered to double check before copying and pasting those lyrics onto their site, errors intact. Stupid humans.

18. Faith No More, Zombie Eaters
From their fantastic album, The Real Thing [EDIT: My bad! I originally called the album Epic; that was the name of the hit single from the album]. A song from a baby's point of view, presumably a baby in training to be a zombie. Can babies become zombies? Find me a baby and I'll show you.

19. Harry Belafonte, Zombie Jamboree
Dig that Caribbean sound. I hear that on some of those Caribbean islands, voodoo priests use their powers to make zombies. Ha! That's just a myth. Everyone knows you become a zombie by kissing with your shoes off.

20. The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy, Zombie Love
I've never been in zombie love, but I've been in zombie like.

21. Ozzy Osbourne, Zombie Stomp
Featuring Rob Zombie. It's a long one, so I hope you like it. I enjoy eating brains while listening to it; you might want to try that, too.

22. Tom Petty, Zombie Zoo
I've been trying to win tickets to the Tom Petty/Jackson Browne concert all week. Petty rules! I swear, if I don't get through on the phone during the next giveaway, I'm just going to eat my way into the concert.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


As if my day weren't already bad enough, Keith Richards never showed up at Golf n' Stuff.

Do you think he read this entry? Come on, Keith, I wouldn't really eat your brains! I was just messing with you! You're still getting me that backstage pass for your next show, right?



Following yesterday's demand for a zombie bride with whom I could share my hopes, dreams, and brains, when I heard a knock on my door this morning, I of course assumed it was the early arrival of Angelina Jolie. But when I opened the door, who did I see instead?

Zombie Brad Pitt.

He beat the unholy unliving tar out of me. I have to admit, he delivered quite the hellacious zombie beatdown. I would have admired its thoroughness and savagery, had I not been on the receiving end.

No more demands for celebrity zombie brides from me.

Unless... does anyone know if Scarlett Johansson has a zombie boyfriend?

Monday, June 13, 2005


I have decided that I require a zombie bride, with whom I can share brains, long walks on the beach, and many hours of Hot Shots Golf 3.

I expect the delivery of Angelina Jolie to my zombie HQ by Friday. Don't make me ask twice.

Sunday, June 12, 2005


Who do I have to call to get a pizza with brain toppings? (Half brain, half pineapple and brain, to be specific.) Domino's blocked my number.

Saturday, June 11, 2005


I went over to my neighbor Bob the zombie's house today to play some Hot Shots Golf 3, and some jerk human had decapitated him.

Well, that's just great! I guess I can kiss that brain I loaned him goodbye.

Now I'm going to be grumpy all day. Man, if you have a brain, you do not want to run across me for the rest of the weekend, because I will eat it so fast, you don't even want to know!

Friday, June 10, 2005


I can't believe I've never seen this before. It's now my one-stop brain-eating shop.

Thanks to Markus at the Shocklines forum for pointing this out (and thanks to all the posters there for their good words -- I won't promise not to eat your brains, but I will try to make it quick).


So, I was hanging out with Keith Richards last night, and I asked him something I've wondered as long as I've known him: "Why haven't you ever eaten Mick Jagger's brains?"

And Keith told me -- get this -- he told me he's not a zombie.

I know! What the hell! You could've knocked me over with a feather. I mean, he looks like a zombie, he smells like a zombie... I just figured: zombie.

I was so shocked, I forgot to eat his brains. Maybe next week. We're going to Golf n' Stuff on Tuesday.

Thursday, June 09, 2005


I'm homesick. I could go for a plate of brains the way mom used to make them.

That's what I was talking about when I said her brains were delicious. She knew just the right way to prepare them. You didn't think when I said I ate her brains that I meant I ate her brains, like, out of her skull, did you? You did? You're sick!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


Have you ever heard someone say that a baby is so cute and cuddly, it looks good enough to eat? But then they never do.

My point is, I would make a bad babysitter.


Tuesday, June 07, 2005


Whenever you get more than five zombies gathered together eating, some jerk's always gotta yell, "BRAIN FIGHT!"

Do you know how long it takes to scrub that kind of mess out of my decaying rags and tatters? It's murder on my sensitive skin, I'll tell you that much.


Now that I've been turned into a brain-eating zombie, cursed to wander the earth, aimlessly, ceaselessly, mindlessly, with no hope or comfort, nothing waiting for me other than the promise of eternal damnation should someone have mercy and end my miserable existence for me, do you know what I regret about my former human life?

I should've watched more TV. A lot more.

Watch TV, kids! Watch it while you still can! Watch it like there's no tomorrow!!

Monday, June 06, 2005


That "WILL WORK FOR BRAINS" sign I made is surprisingly ineffective.

Sunday, June 05, 2005


All right, who took my brains? I was eating those.

Here's what I'll do: I'll turn my back, and count to three, and whoever took the brains can return them anonymously. No harm, no foul.





[EDIT: 11:48] Oh, now I remember, I ate those brains yesterday. Never mind.

Saturday, June 04, 2005


Hey, I have another joke:

A bum told me, "I haven't had a bite for over a week." So I ate his brains!

Okay, I'm just messing with you. That's a true story.

I wonder if Henny Youngman was a zombie.




Have you ever thought of what a weird word brains is? Braaaaaaaaaiiiinnnssss.....

Weird word. Word weird. Weirdy wordy wordy weird. Hee hee hee!

If you say it enough, it begins to lose all meaning: brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains. What does that even mean? "Brains."

And how can a sound that your mouth makes have any intrinsic meaning to begin with? Why should sounds be shackled by definitions? Why can't each individual -- no, hear me out -- why can't each individual determine the meaning of the sounds they make for themselves? Huh?

Braaaaiinnsss. That could mean: pretty butterfly. Or: world harmony.

[EDIT: 5 hours later] Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have eaten those brains at that Widespread Panic concert. Frickin' hippies.

Friday, June 03, 2005


I still say, if Dr. Phil didn't want to have his brains eaten, he shouldn't have gotten all up in my grill about being an undeadbeat dad.

Thursday, June 02, 2005


In gratitude for linking to me, these are the people whose brains I will eat last*:

Brill Building
Mike Sterling's Progressive Ruin
Attentiondeficitdisorderly Too Flat
The Outbreak
The Dullard Gazette
Nat Pike of Wired for Sound (He linked to me on a board at Museum of Hoaxes; everyone else at Museum of Hoaxes gets their brains eaten tout de suite.)
Blog THIS, Pal!
Humid Cedar
BeaucoupKevin // BlogMachineGo
Pete Ashton's Weblog
Cafeexpresso (It's in Portuguese; Babel Fish translates the relevant entry as: "it is one day of the hell, then nothing more appropriate than recommends to the vocĂȘs zombieeatbrains, one blog on what!? ah yes. one zombie crazy for braaaaaains. f***ing hilarious. [Those last six words were already in English in the original post.] after twentieth post intitled brains, I could not more stop to laugh as a maniac. this in one day bad." Even a zombie gotta say: that's awesome.)
Near Mint Heroes
Grinding Metal
Sarcasmo's Corner
Incoming Signals
Kale's Journal
Ferret Press/PANEL Weblog (Only Tony; everyone else gets their brains eaten pronto.)
Bibi's Box
bilebovina (Another Portuguese site!)
M Valdemar (He even offered me a nice blogwarming gift.)
Noetic Concordance
Fourth of Six
House of the Ded
Delenda Est Carthago
The Sock Drawer
Roxy's World
JUST ADDED: 6/7, 10:51
Mystifying Oracle
Spatula Forum

Hey, even zombies want to be noticed.

If you also would like to join the list of me-no-eat-your-brains, just link to this site and let me know about it in a comment.

*Guarantee only valid if you are not close to hand and/or I'm not hungry. But let's face it, I'm always hungry. For brains.