Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Man, if I thought my zombie cat Bub used to smell bad, it was only because I had never smelled him after accidentally locking him in an unplugged refrigerator sitting in the back alley during a record-breaking heatwave over a three-day weekend before.

P.U., kitty! You're a stinky kitty, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!

Friday, May 27, 2005


Memorial Day on Monday. WOO! Three-day weekend. I'm partyin' down with these babes in Nawlins, and I'm bringin' my beads!


Thursday, May 26, 2005


I always tell myself I'm going to stop after just one brain, but then I always go ahead and finish the whole pack.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


These brains are going straight to my hips, I just know it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


I have to tell you, even for me, it's a little unsettling watching my zombie cat Bub eat the brains out of all those squirrels.

You gotta draw the line somewhere.

[EDIT: 5:37 PM] Ate some squirrel brains.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


If I had a brain for every brain I've ever eaten, I would eat those brains, too.

Saturday, May 21, 2005


Questions and answers from yesterday's comments.

The questions:

1) Why aren't there more Zombie support groups? I mean I saw an ad for a lesbian zombie support group, but we can't all be lesbians.
2) Have you ever considered doing an advice column? I bet there a lot of
zombies out there who need a little advice from a level headed zombie such
as yourself.
3) Are you angry about the lack of zombie representation in the media or
government? I know I would be if I were a zombie.
4) Do you hate wind chimes as much as a zombie as you did when you were alive?
5) If a zombie is trying to eat my brains and I fend him or her off by
chopping off their legs, is that a hate crime?
6) Is it brain or brains for the singular organ located in the head? A
zombie would know.


The answers:

1. Speak for yourself.
2. I advise more brain eating.
3. Frankly, you'd be surprised at how many zombie representatives there already are in the media and government. Matt Lauer? Totally undead. Geraldo Rivera? Undead as a three-dollar bill. Dick Cheney? May possibly never have been alive to begin with. Hilary Clinton? Half-undead (on her mother's side.)
4. Wind chimes make fine Mother's Day gifts, as long as you don't live with your mother.
5. No, have at it! It won't help you, anyway.
6. I don't cares what you calls 'em, I just likes to eats 'em.

Friday, May 20, 2005


If I had known my career path would lead me into brain eating, I probably wouldn't have wasted those three years getting my Masters' in Art History.

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Hey, the new Star Wars opens today. I probably won't go see it (the manager complains that I eat too many brains), but I will say this.

I'm a mindless zombie, bereft of any cognitive faculties or free will, my decaying, blood-and-oxygen-deprived brain only able to generate the single dim impulse to acquire (and consume) more brains... and even I could've written a better movie than Phantom.

I'm just sayin'.

Jar Jar sucks!

Monday, May 16, 2005


Interesting discovery: if you Google Bub the Zombie*, it asks you, "did you mean: bob the zombie".

No, dude. I mean Bub. If I wanted Bob the zombie, I could just go next door and talk to him myself.

Nevertheless, here are a couple of Bob the zombie links:

Bob the Zombie
Bob Zombie

Did I mean Bob the zombie. Sheesh! I'm so gonna eat their brains for that.

*My cat's name.

Saturday, May 14, 2005


Hey, remember my pet kitty cat? He came back! I must not have gotten quite all of his itty bitty kitty brains, because now he's a zombie cat. He's so cute! Bumping into things, moaning the eerie moan of the damned, trying to eat my brains and whatnot. I named him Bub.

Friday, May 13, 2005


Today's Friday the 13th.

Jason was a wuss. He never even ate anybody's brains.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


I've got a fever for the flavor of a pineal.


Wednesday, May 11, 2005


I don't have to eat brains, you know. I can quit any time I want. It's just that I happen to enjoy eating brains, thank you very much.

Sunday, May 08, 2005


It's Mother's Day. I miss my mother. Her brains were delicious.

Saturday, May 07, 2005


Sometimes it gets kind of lonely being a zombie. I found an adorable little kitty cat that I'm going to adopt to keep me company. It can sleep in my lap while I watch TV and I'll feed it and cuddle it and make it feel ever-so-loved. We'll be the bestest friends!

[EDIT: 12:57] Ate its brains.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


You know what goes good with brains? Brains. And maybe a nice Shiraz.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


I don't care if I'm making a scene. I came here to eat some brains, and I sure as shootin' am not leaving until I eat some brains!

Fine, get the manager. I don't care.

Sunday, May 01, 2005


Okay, it was worth it, but I swear I won't do it again.



I wish more people would leave comments.

Is it because you're afraid I would use my l33t zombie skillz to hack your IP address, locate your home address, show up at your front door, and eat your brains?

Because I only did that once, and it totally wasn't worth the hassle.