Brains.

A bunch of zombies attacked American Idol.

Man, I wish I'd been there! That's gonna be, like, the Woodstock of zombies, and I missed out. Oh, well, as long as someone ate the brains of that freak Clay Aiken.

Brains.

I'm going to my buddy Zombie Joe's wedding today. He's marrying a mummy, which has made his family a little uncomfortable. But I say, hey, as long as they're happy killing people together, that's all that matters.

I got them a gift from their wedding registry at Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave. It's a cerebellum baller. It's like a melon baller, but for... well, you get the idea.

Brains.

I've been told some guy named Tom Collins mentioned this blog in a letter printed in this month's issue of The Walking Dead.



Frankly, I don't much care for comics. Especially ones about zombies. I'm more of a TV-and-video-games kind of zombie. But I figure this one is pretty okay, even if it doesn't really tell the zombie side of things very well.

This guy Collins, though, has got no call getting all up in my business like that. His brains are toast, mark my words! (I'd say read my lips, but I can't find them. I think I left them in a taxi last week.)

Brains.

I was talking to my buddy Zombie Tony today, and he said, "You know what's funny?"

"No, what?" I said, already grinning because I knew a big joke was coming.

"What's funny," he said, with a gleam in his eye (the one that's left), "is when you kill someone and eat their brains!!"

OH MAN!!! That is funny!! That is so funny. Zombie Tony, man. I swear, he busts me up. "When you kill somebody and eat their brains." Whoo! Where does he get them?? I mean, it works on so many levels. And you know what? It's funny because it's true.

Zombie Tony. He could totally be the Zombie Jerry Seinfeld. If Jerry Seinfeld weren't already the Zombie Jerry Seinfeld. (Shh! That's a secret.)

Brains.

Sometimes I wish there were such a thing as screw-top skulls. I swear, cracking those cabezas open can be as frustrating as trying to open a child-proof aspirin bottle.

I even wrote the ad copy for the commercial already.

"Screw-top skulls! For when you need brains, and you need them now. Byyyyyyy Mennen!"

Brains.

Yesterday this dude was tailgating me. Just being a real jerk, right up on my bumper, beeping and flashing his lights, even though there was very clearly a car right in front of me, too. What do you want me to do, drive over him? Jerk.

He was so obnoxious. I just wished that I could stop him and kill him and eat his brains. And then I remembered: oh, yeah... I can.

They tasted like rage. And, oddly, boysenberries.

Brains.

You'd think I'd get tired of saying "Nice to eat you" to my victims before I devour their brains, but I seriously never do.

"Eat" you. Hee hee hee.

Brains.

More people who have linked to me, sparing their brains for the time being:

RGB Alliance, home of frequent commenter Archangel Rokan

What?, by Cassarass

The boards of Morningstar Saga. Bonus points to these guys for posting a most excellent image from The Return of the Living Dead, which would probably get me in trouble if it appeared on my computer screen at work. If I had work other than eating brains.

---

Most surprising thing I heard today:

Dick Clark is not a zombie. I know, coulda fooled me. Turns out he's actually an energy being from a planet somewhere in the Ursa Major constellation. Huh. You learn something new every day!

Brains.

I always get depressed when I see old black & white movies, because I think of how many of the actors must be dead by now, and how many of them it would've been awesome to turn into zombies. If only I had been a zombie before Jimmy Stewart had died. What an honor it would've been to eat his brains! Plus, maybe he could've made a sequel to Harvey. Harvey was rad. Zombie Harvey would've been, like, ten times as rad. At least.

Brains.

The best movie ever made by a Zombie: The Devil's Rejects, written and directed by Rob Zombie.

The second best: my ex-neighbor Bob the Zombie's video of his daughter's bat mitzvah. When she chants the Torah, I get a little verklempt every time.

Brains.

You can find out all kinds of stuff about brains from the Atkins people, but nothing about what I need to know: how many carbs do they have?

(I'm watching my weight for my ten-year high school reunion. 'Cause I plan on eating a crapload of brains when I get there. Those guys were jerks.)

Brains.

I should acknowledge a few more people who have linked to me recently, which means their brains are 100% safe from being eaten (as long as I don't see them, or smell them, or, say, decide to hunt them down because I'm bored):

Quixotic Crap

Blue Tea

end of days and all that (That post is so filled with zombie links it even gives me pause)

The Program Witch Pages

Maktaaq (Gesundheit!)

Cladestine Critic

and Where the Monsters Go, a Horror Weblog Update page run by Sean T. Collins, who knows a thing or two about horror blogging. I'd have added the link to my sidebar by now, but changing my site's template makes me a cranky zombie. Soon.

Thanks for the links, and apologies if I've missed anyone. If I've missed you, please let me know, and I'll be around to collect your brain shortly. I mean, I'll return the link. Oh what a giveaway!

Brains.

I see the South Koreans have cloned a dog. I think I need to pay them a visit with my zombie dog, Bub. I'm gonna order up about a hundred clone zombie dogs from those guys. (If I don't eat their brains first.)

My mailman was already terrified of Bub. I can't wait to see his face when I unleash my clone zombie dog army on him! He'll think twice before ripping the cover of my Entertainment Weekly again, I'll bet.

Brains.

Can I get serious here for a moment? I know I like to have fun here with my little weblog, but if you will humor me, I'd like to make a statement, and I'd appreciate your earnest and respectful attention.

Thanks. Ahem:

GIVE ME YOUR BRAINS RIGHT NOW!!! I AM SO DAMN HUNGRY!!! BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNSS!!!!!!

Whew! I feel better now.

Brains.

I bought the DVD for The Return of the Living Dead, and it's every bit as great as I remembered it to be. You have to admire the ingenuity of the zombie who uses the radio in the police car: "Send... more... cops!" And Freddy makes the most romantic speech I've ever heard in a movie: "I love you, and that's why you have to let me eat your braaaaaaiins!!" Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that to a gal... I'd have a buck thirty-five.