Brains.

I know Winnie-the-Pooh is a bear of very little brain, but I'd eat it anyhow.

Brains.

Sorry I've been out of touch for a while. I went to my buddy Zombie Lew's bachelor party, and had a few too many brain shooters. I was sleeping off the hangover in the alley (as is my wont), and some jackass up and buried me! Took me a week to dig my way out.

Man, I'm hungry. You try eating nothing but worm brains for a week.

Brains.

I've been playing this new game on the internets, called Urban Dead. It's "A Massively Multi-Player Web-Based Zombie Apocalypse." Which means it's kind of like Kingdom of Loathing (but much less funny) -- you get so many turns in which to explore, fight, gain experience points, and suchlike; turns are replenished each day. I'm playing as a zombie, of course. (Of corpse!)

The game's a work in progress, and it's a little frustrating so far. You get 50 turns per day, max, and those turns evaporate pretty quickly without much progress being made. I've played for two days already, and I have yet to come close to eating any brains. And in betwen sessions, I totally got killed! (I came back; I'm a zombie, after all.) But it shows promise. Check it out.

Brains.

I've been sluggish about updating recently; since I put up that "Religious Proselytizers and Door-To-Door Salesmen Welcome" sign, my life's been nothing but one long smorgasbord. My belly-hole's so crammed with brains, I can barely see my toes anymore!

Anyway, I wanted to thank a few new sites for recently linking to me:

ScribblingWoman
Brainpoop
Siege Mentality

I'd drive right over and eat all their brains, but I drive an Acura Integra, and some jerk stole it!

Brains.

This is my favorite cartoon character:


Bet you can't guess why.

Brains.

This comic makes me ashamed to be a zombie.


Avoid at all costs.

Brains.

I got the possum out. I lit a tree branch on fire and shoved it into the hole in my gut and smoked the little critter out. Last I saw he was scampering away with what appeared to be my appendix.

Also, I smell like an oak pit barbecue.

And I'm still hungry. Hmm... I wonder what possum brains taste like?

Brains.

I thought my stomach was growling because I haven't had any brains for almost a week now, but it turns out that the noise is actually from a rabid possum that crawled in through that pesky hole in my gut. I can't get it out. I think it's having babies.

Brains.

In the comments to last Friday's post, Archangel Rokan asked if I'd name my top ten zombie movies. Never let it be said I don't take requests. (Unless your request is that I stop eating your brains, which I must respectfully but firmly decline.)

I'm excluding Land of the Dead from consideration. It's too recent, and I've only seen it once; it has yet to become fixed in its proper historical context. But as for the others:

10. Return of the Living Dead 3: A tender love story between a boy and his zombie girlfriend, Julie. Hey, any movie featuring Adam-12's Kent McCord has got it going on right from the start. Includes the immortal line: "Julie, are you eating him?" Yes. Yes, she is.

9. 28 Days Later: For a zombie movie that wants to pretend it's not a zombie movie, it's a pretty darn good zombie movie. Brendan Gleeson is brilliant. Darn that monkey virus!

8. Zombie: I have not seen nearly enough of Italian director Lucio Fulci's work, but I intend to correct that; of what I have seen, this is the best. A zombie fights a shark in this movie. A ZOMBIE FIGHTS A SHARK IN THIS MOVIE!!!

7. Cemetery Man: Another Italian film, and Rupert Everett's finest role. By turns darkly humorous and intensely, emotionally cruel, this is a most bizarre and affecting zombie movie.

6. Shaun of the Dead: The best of the recent crop of zombie flicks (again, with Land of the Dead taken out of consideration), it succeeds as both comedy and horror. I just wish it had led to Spaced getting an American DVD release. Damn it!

5. The Return of the Living Dead: The original fast zombie movie! (I'm pretty sure.) Also, the original zombie comedy! (I think.) In the middle of the vast '80s glut of horror movies, this stood out as one of the rare films to possess some real character and inventiveness. Plus Linnea Quigley's graveyard dance is super hot. I think I identify with these zombies the most. Brains!!

4. Night of the Living Dead: The godfather of the modern zombie genre; the benchmark against which all followers must be compared. A devastating snapshot of a nation's psyche; a terrifying exercise in claustrophobic dread and horror. "They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

3. Day of the Dead: George A. Romero created a masterpiece, then outdid himself twice. This second sequel took on the gung-ho military mindset so prevalent in the '80s, and also introduced the world to Bub, the best zombie ever.

2. Dead Alive: The goriest film ever made. Also a tremendously funny one. And, as in 28 Days Later, it all starts with a monkey. Pesky zombie monkeys! Peter Jackson is wasting his talents on giant chimps and talking trees. He needs to make more movies with evil zombie babies and ninja priests who say, "I kick arse for the Lord!"

1. Dawn of the Dead: I've already attested to the fact that this is the greatest movie of all time, so it should be no surprise to find it at #1 on this list. Great zombie effects, even by today's standards, and even accounting for the very fake, bright red paint-like blood, which is oddly charming. The intensely paranoid atmosphere outstrips the first, making this the scariest of Romero's Dead canon. This was a quantum leap forward for zombies, and horror films in general.

Missing from this list: Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series. Those movies seem to be more about demon possession than straight-up zombies. But if I were to count them, Evil Dead II ("Groovy!") would go right behind Dead Alive, with Army of Darkness ("Come get some!") following immediately after.

Brains.

If this Australian zombie movie, which is just now being released in American theaters, is not marketed in the U.S. with the tagline, "Put another brain on the barbie" -- you're all fired.

Brains.

RJM at The Baboon Bellows is mad that Cartoon Network cut a line out of a Futurama rerun, in which Prof. Farnsworth makes reference to "Sweet Zombie Jesus."

I don't understand why the line was cut, but I also don't understand why RJM is so upset, citing "politically correct" motives. What does that have to do with anything? I mean, I know Zombie Jesus. He works at the Mexican restaurant down the block. Makes the best brain enchilada in town. And he doesn't mind. He just says, "That's show biz."

By the way... I like Zombie Jesus, I think he's a fine, upstanding member of the Latino zombie community. But I don't think I would go so far as to call him "sweet". Frankly, I think "putrid" would be a more apt descriptor.

(Link once again courtesy of Greg at Delenda Est Carthago. He seems a little too interested in zombies, if you know what I mean. He even mentions my zombie dog, Bub. Greg, dude, stop co-opting my culture, all right? Zombie pride!)

Brains.

How I love Independence Day! Hey, even zombies get patriotic.

Zombie Samuel Adams and I caught the parade, and we're going to a brain barbecue at Zombie John Hancock's later. I'm not really looking forward to that; after a few drinks, Sam always makes fun of John's huge signature, and John always tells Sam that his beer tastes like armpits, and then they smack the powdered wigs off each other's heads with little girly slaps. It's very embarrassing.

Brains.

I need to go make a withdrawal from the brain bank. Hope I'm not overdrawn.

(Thanks to Greg of Delenda Est Carthago for the link.)

Brains.

Saw Land of the Dead today. What can I say? Genius, pure, unsullied genius. Best film of the past 20 years (which was when Day of the Dead was released). If you do not see this film, if you go see that freak Tom Cruise's film instead, I swear to all that is unholy, I will hunt you down and eat the crap out of your brains. I am not even kidding.

I will also say this, and I can not stress enough how important this is: if Big Daddy is not nominated for an Oscar for Best Lead Performance by a Zombie, I will personally devour the brains of every single member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Even you, Ed Begley Jr.! Don't think I won't!!

Brains.

I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry, if I only had a brain.