Zombie Eat Brains

Brains.

2007-07-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

Happy 21st birthday to Lindsay Lohan! Now she can legally eat brains. (I saw in the tabloids she's already been sneaking a few. You can tell from the way it's ruined her voice. Shame on her!)

Brains.

2007-06-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Inspired by here.

Brains.

2007-06-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's a picture of my zombie cat, Bub! (Before my zombie dog ate him.)

Source: LOLBRAINZ

Brains.

2007-06-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

Briiiiiaaannnsss...

No, that's not a typo. Today, I ate the brains of Brian Williams, Brian Dennehy, Brian Austin Green, and Brian Posehn.

They all play golf together. Who'da thunk it?

Brains.

2007-06-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I caught Ashley Tisdale, and I was all ready to eat her brains.

Then she promised me a part in Haunted High School Musical.

What can I say? I've always wanted to sing. And maybe I can eat Zac Efron's brains instead.

This could be the start of something new...

Brains.

2007-06-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it's about time!

The Zombie Uprising has begun, and I am all over it. In fact... I sort of started it.

I was in Starbucks, and I just wanted a caramel frappuccino, I swear. The "barista" (if that is a real word, and I suspect it isn't) asked me what size I wanted, and I said, "Small." And he said, "Do you mean tall?"

I thought he had misheard me (I have trouble enunciating ever since my tongue fell out), so I said, "No, I want a small."

He said, "A small is a tall." And I said, "That doesn't make any sense. Tall sounds like a large drink." And he said, "Not here at Starbucks!"

And then I looked at the board on the wall, and said, "Oh, I guess grande is a large, then." And he said, "No, grande is a medium." And I said, "But grande literally means 'large' in Italian," and he said, "Starbucks isn't Italian," and I said, "Well, you're trying to be all faux-Italian, aren't you, Mr. Barista," and he said, "Whatever, our large is called a venti," and that's when I ate his brains. Stuffed them in the blender, added some ice and caramel and whipped cream, and had me a brain frappuccino. Dee-lish!

Then I started eating everybody else's brains, and things got kind of out of hand. Next thing you know: Zombie Uprising.

I'm just taking a break from all the brain eating, blogging from my laptop in the Starbucks. Free wi-fi! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to track down Ashley Tisdale and eat her brains before the military gets things back under control. (I'm a big fan of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.)

Brains.

2006-12-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

Hey, answer me this. Did I really just see the cast of The View swarm upon and gorily devour Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brains after she claimed that the E. coli-tainted Taco Bell food was "probably caused by gay marriage"? Or did I just dream that?

If I dreamed it, please don't tell me.

Brains.

2006-12-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

As a rotting, stinking carcass reanimated in a violation of all that is good and holy, I sometimes have self esteem problems.

It helps to have someone to look down on.

Brains.

2006-11-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

Zombie Tom lives again! (For the moment, anyway.)

Much like Zombie Tinkerbell, your clapping, in the form of comments (an average of more than one for every month I've been away! A veritable tsunami!), has resurrected me. I can not thank you enough.

By which I mean, give me your brains. To eat.

Brains.

2006-04-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am going to eat the brains of every single person who is responsible for the "Silly Little Fairy" commercial for Dodge.

I am so not even kidding about this. Those people have forfeited their brain privileges.

Brains.

2006-04-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to Katee Sackhoff!

26. She's 26 years old today. And you know what the traditional birthday gift for 26 is? A brain-eatin'.

I'm gonna have my very own zombie Starbuck. Beat that, nerds!

Brains.

2006-03-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

Hey, these guys write a zombie blog, too. Only, as far as I can tell, they don't actually eat any brains. Which frankly is pretty weak. But they've recently posted about the Necronomicon and Re-Animator, which is cool enough that I probably won't eat their brains. Today.

Brains.

2006-03-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

I ran into Zombie Eve Longoria again yesterday. She apologized for eating all my brains last time I saw her. I thought that was sweet.

I said I'd forgive her if she let me turn Nicollette Sheridan into a zombie. (I'm still mad at Paige for killing Peter.) She told me that Nicollette was engaged to Michael Bolton. I said forget it, that's already punishment enough.

Brains.

2006-03-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

Charlie* don't surf, and zombies don't snowboard. I should've remembered that before I went to Tahoe this weekend.

I broke seventeen bones. Fortunately only five of them were mine.

I also ate seventeen brains. I think the one I found in the woods was Sonny Bono's.

*I don't know which Charlie this means, but I bet it's Charlie Rose.

Brains.

2006-03-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

Snakes on a Plane isn't due to be released until August 18, and already I'm so sick of hearing about it that I swear I'm going to eat the brains of the next 1,000 people on the internet who reference it, either ironically or in all sincerity.

That said, I'm still gonna see it on opening day. It's SNAKES on a PLANE, dude.

Brains.

2006-03-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

If someone doesn't get cracking on organizing a Night Court reunion movie while all the leads are still alive and relatively presentable (Harry Anderson's getting pretty chunky, yo), I'm going to start eating all their brains out of spite.

But not Markie Post. Never my Markie.

Brains.

2006-03-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

Remember on Sesame Street, when beloved corner shop owner Mr. Hooper died? And then the adults in the neighborhood had to explain to Big Bird that Mr. Hooper wasn't going to be coming back? I think that was one of the most touching and powerful moments in not just children's TV, but in all television history.

When Mr. Hooper's zombified corpse returned and devoured the original Gordon? Slightly less touching. But about 100 times as awesome.

Brains.

2006-03-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

If I were to have my own TV sitcom, I think I'd like to play the comically uptight owner of a delightful little bed and breakfast located in a quaintly colorful small town. My staff would include a wacky chef, possibly with a funny accent, a surly but lovable handyman, and a pretty maid who may or may not be in love with me as the owner.

Then, every night, we would feast on the brains of our guests in a horrifically graphic and violent orgy of gore.

Maybe I would have a catch phrase, too. "Them brains is grub-a-licious!!"

Brains.

2006-03-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

I was listening to some Jim Gaffigan, and he got me thinking, you know what would go good in a Hot Pocket?

Brains.

Braaaaaaaain Pocket!

Brains.

2006-02-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, have you heard about this "Poker" game that is apparently all the rage? "Texas Hold Them Poker"?

Some guy I sat next to on the bus the other day started telling me about this game. He was talking non-stop about his pocket snowmen and his rainbow flops and catching trips on the river, and all kinds of junk that made no sense. It was very, very annoying.

Every other passenger on the bus cheered when I ate his brains.

Then I ate all of their brains, too.

That's a good story.

Brains.

2006-02-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

You ever wake up late at night and have a craving for some weird food for a midnight snack? That happened to me last night. I woke up and I could not stop thinking about eating Maria Bamford's brains. Sadly, I was fresh out.

I wonder if the Comedians of Comedy are still touring.

Brains.

2006-02-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

Today, instead of doing something useful like tracking down some brains, and eating said brains, I spent my valuable time on the internets, following a fake flame war between Warren Ellis and Joss Whedon, and looking up The Gary Coleman Show on IMDb.

Man, I don't even deserve brains today.

Brains.

2006-02-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure you're all aware, the zombie Olympics are being held concurrently with the "real" Olympics. Zombie Jim Thorpe lit the torch. It was very moving.

My favorite event is brain curling. No matter who wins, at the end, you stick the broom handle into the brain: everybody gets brainsicles!

Brains.

2006-02-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people ask me, "Zombie Tom? What is the most perfect song ever created by which to eat brains?"

And I always tell them: "Rainbow in the Dark," by Ronnie James Dio.

Then I fire up the iPod, and eat the hell out of their brains.

Brains.

2006-02-10T08:48:00.000-08:00

Zombie Tom's answer to today's Friday Five:

1. Brains.
2. Brains.
3. Brains.
4. Hot Shots Golf 3.
5. Brains.

You can pretty much just fill that in for every week.

Brains.

2006-02-09T14:01:00.000-08:00

I love it when someone says, "I'm the brains behind this organization," or, "I'm the brains of this outfit," or whatever.

Under zombie law, that is an explicit and legally-enforceable invitation to brain-eating. In fact, I could get in trouble for not eating your brain after that.

It's like inviting a vampire into your home. What did you think was gonna happen?

Brains.

2006-02-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

Hey, remember when I said Stephen King should write a zombie novel?

I take it back.

Brains.

2005-11-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

I'm a mindless, soulless, rotting husk of what used to be a man, propelled not by intelligence, but by an instinctive, insatiable hunger for human flesh, animated by some inexplicable dark evil... and even I could program better than the people at Fox.

Let us all hope that, like myself, Arrested Development rises from the dead and stalks the Earth once again. Perhaps on basic cable.

Brains.

2005-11-08T18:31:00.000-08:00

Today I got so mad at my boss, I wanted to eat his brains. So I did. Then I remembered I don't have a job. Man, they are never letting me back into that library again.

Brains.

2005-11-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

Has Stephen King ever written a zombie novel? If not, he should.

Because the junk he's writing these days sucks wicked hard.

Brains.

2005-10-31T17:37:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Brains.

2005-09-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Best Buy is freakin' awesome.

Dawn of the Dead/Shaun of the Dead DVD 2-pack for twenty bucks. Score!!

Brains.

2005-08-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

A bunch of zombies attacked American Idol.

Man, I wish I'd been there! That's gonna be, like, the Woodstock of zombies, and I missed out. Oh, well, as long as someone ate the brains of that freak Clay Aiken.

Brains.

2005-08-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'm going to my buddy Zombie Joe's wedding today. He's marrying a mummy, which has made his family a little uncomfortable. But I say, hey, as long as they're happy killing people together, that's all that matters.

I got them a gift from their wedding registry at Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave. It's a cerebellum baller. It's like a melon baller, but for... well, you get the idea.

Brains.

2005-08-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

I've been told some guy named Tom Collins mentioned this blog in a letter printed in this month's issue of The Walking Dead.

Frankly, I don't much care for comics. Especially ones about zombies. I'm more of a TV-and-video-games kind of zombie. But I figure this one is pretty okay, even if it doesn't really tell the zombie side of things very well.

This guy Collins, though, has got no call getting all up in my business like that. His brains are toast, mark my words! (I'd say read my lips, but I can't find them. I think I left them in a taxi last week.)

Brains.

2005-08-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my buddy Zombie Tony today, and he said, "You know what's funny?"

"No, what?" I said, already grinning because I knew a big joke was coming.

"What's funny," he said, with a gleam in his eye (the one that's left), "is when you kill someone and eat their brains!!"

OH MAN!!! That is funny!! That is so funny. Zombie Tony, man. I swear, he busts me up. "When you kill somebody and eat their brains." Whoo! Where does he get them?? I mean, it works on so many levels. And you know what? It's funny because it's true.

Zombie Tony. He could totally be the Zombie Jerry Seinfeld. If Jerry Seinfeld weren't already the Zombie Jerry Seinfeld. (Shh! That's a secret.)

Brains.

2005-08-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish there were such a thing as screw-top skulls. I swear, cracking those cabezas open can be as frustrating as trying to open a child-proof aspirin bottle.

I even wrote the ad copy for the commercial already.

"Screw-top skulls! For when you need brains, and you need them now. Byyyyyyy Mennen!"

Brains.

2005-08-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday this dude was tailgating me. Just being a real jerk, right up on my bumper, beeping and flashing his lights, even though there was very clearly a car right in front of me, too. What do you want me to do, drive over him? Jerk.

He was so obnoxious. I just wished that I could stop him and kill him and eat his brains. And then I remembered: oh, yeah... I can.

They tasted like rage. And, oddly, boysenberries.

Brains.

2005-08-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

You'd think I'd get tired of saying "Nice to eat you" to my victims before I devour their brains, but I seriously never do.

"Eat" you. Hee hee hee.

Brains.

2005-08-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

More people who have linked to me, sparing their brains for the time being:

RGB Alliance, home of frequent commenter Archangel Rokan

What?, by Cassarass

The boards of Morningstar Saga. Bonus points to these guys for posting a most excellent image from The Return of the Living Dead, which would probably get me in trouble if it appeared on my computer screen at work. If I had work other than eating brains.

Most surprising thing I heard today:

Dick Clark is not a zombie. I know, coulda fooled me. Turns out he's actually an energy being from a planet somewhere in the Ursa Major constellation. Huh. You learn something new every day!

Brains.

2005-08-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

I always get depressed when I see old black & white movies, because I think of how many of the actors must be dead by now, and how many of them it would've been awesome to turn into zombies. If only I had been a zombie before Jimmy Stewart had died. What an honor it would've been to eat his brains! Plus, maybe he could've made a sequel to Harvey. Harvey was rad. Zombie Harvey would've been, like, ten times as rad. At least.

Brains.

2005-08-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

The best movie ever made by a Zombie: The Devil's Rejects, written and directed by Rob Zombie.

The second best: my ex-neighbor Bob the Zombie's video of his daughter's bat mitzvah. When she chants the Torah, I get a little verklempt every time.

Brains.

2005-08-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

You can find out all kinds of stuff about brains from the Atkins people, but nothing about what I need to know: how many carbs do they have?

(I'm watching my weight for my ten-year high school reunion. 'Cause I plan on eating a crapload of brains when I get there. Those guys were jerks.)

Brains.

2005-08-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

I should acknowledge a few more people who have linked to me recently, which means their brains are 100% safe from being eaten (as long as I don't see them, or smell them, or, say, decide to hunt them down because I'm bored):

Quixotic Crap

Blue Tea

end of days and all that (That post is so filled with zombie links it even gives me pause)

The Program Witch Pages

Maktaaq (Gesundheit!)

Cladestine Critic

and Where the Monsters Go, a Horror Weblog Update page run by Sean T. Collins, who knows a thing or two about horror blogging. I'd have added the link to my sidebar by now, but changing my site's template makes me a cranky zombie. Soon.

Thanks for the links, and apologies if I've missed anyone. If I've missed you, please let me know, and I'll be around to collect your brain shortly. I mean, I'll return the link. Oh what a giveaway!

Brains.

2005-08-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

I see the South Koreans have cloned a dog. I think I need to pay them a visit with my zombie dog, Bub. I'm gonna order up about a hundred clone zombie dogs from those guys. (If I don't eat their brains first.)

My mailman was already terrified of Bub. I can't wait to see his face when I unleash my clone zombie dog army on him! He'll think twice before ripping the cover of my Entertainment Weekly again, I'll bet.

Brains.

2005-08-02T17:54:00.000-07:00

Can I get serious here for a moment? I know I like to have fun here with my little weblog, but if you will humor me, I'd like to make a statement, and I'd appreciate your earnest and respectful attention.

Thanks. Ahem:

GIVE ME YOUR BRAINS RIGHT NOW!!! I AM SO DAMN HUNGRY!!! BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNSS!!!!!!

Whew! I feel better now.

Brains.

2005-08-01T10:07:00.000-07:00

I bought the DVD for The Return of the Living Dead, and it's every bit as great as I remembered it to be. You have to admire the ingenuity of the zombie who uses the radio in the police car: "Send... more... cops!" And Freddy makes the most romantic speech I've ever heard in a movie: "I love you, and that's why you have to let me eat your braaaaaaiins!!" Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that to a gal... I'd have a buck thirty-five.

Brains.

2005-07-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

I know Winnie-the-Pooh is a bear of very little brain, but I'd eat it anyhow.

Brains.

2005-07-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been out of touch for a while. I went to my buddy Zombie Lew's bachelor party, and had a few too many brain shooters. I was sleeping off the hangover in the alley (as is my wont), and some jackass up and buried me! Took me a week to dig my way out.

Man, I'm hungry. You try eating nothing but worm brains for a week.

Brains.

2005-07-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

I've been playing this new game on the internets, called Urban Dead. It's "A Massively Multi-Player Web-Based Zombie Apocalypse." Which means it's kind of like Kingdom of Loathing (but much less funny) -- you get so many turns in which to explore, fight, gain experience points, and suchlike; turns are replenished each day. I'm playing as a zombie, of course. (Of corpse!)

The game's a work in progress, and it's a little frustrating so far. You get 50 turns per day, max, and those turns evaporate pretty quickly without much progress being made. I've played for two days already, and I have yet to come close to eating any brains. And in betwen sessions, I totally got killed! (I came back; I'm a zombie, after all.) But it shows promise. Check it out.

Brains.

2005-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

I've been sluggish about updating recently; since I put up that "Religious Proselytizers and Door-To-Door Salesmen Welcome" sign, my life's been nothing but one long smorgasbord. My belly-hole's so crammed with brains, I can barely see my toes anymore!

Anyway, I wanted to thank a few new sites for recently linking to me:

ScribblingWoman
Brainpoop
Siege Mentality

I'd drive right over and eat all their brains, but I drive an Acura Integra, and some jerk stole it!

Brains.

2005-07-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite cartoon character:

Bet you can't guess why.

Brains.

2005-07-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

This comic makes me ashamed to be a zombie.

Avoid at all costs.

Brains.

2005-07-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

I got the possum out. I lit a tree branch on fire and shoved it into the hole in my gut and smoked the little critter out. Last I saw he was scampering away with what appeared to be my appendix.

Also, I smell like an oak pit barbecue.

And I'm still hungry. Hmm... I wonder what possum brains taste like?

Brains.

2005-07-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

I thought my stomach was growling because I haven't had any brains for almost a week now, but it turns out that the noise is actually from a rabid possum that crawled in through that pesky hole in my gut. I can't get it out. I think it's having babies.

Brains.

2005-07-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

In the comments to last Friday's post, Archangel Rokan asked if I'd name my top ten zombie movies. Never let it be said I don't take requests. (Unless your request is that I stop eating your brains, which I must respectfully but firmly decline.)

I'm excluding Land of the Dead from consideration. It's too recent, and I've only seen it once; it has yet to become fixed in its proper historical context. But as for the others:

10. Return of the Living Dead 3: A tender love story between a boy and his zombie girlfriend, Julie. Hey, any movie featuring Adam-12's Kent McCord has got it going on right from the start. Includes the immortal line: "Julie, are you eating him?" Yes. Yes, she is.

9. 28 Days Later: For a zombie movie that wants to pretend it's not a zombie movie, it's a pretty darn good zombie movie. Brendan Gleeson is brilliant. Darn that monkey virus!

8. Zombie: I have not seen nearly enough of Italian director Lucio Fulci's work, but I intend to correct that; of what I have seen, this is the best. A zombie fights a shark in this movie. A ZOMBIE FIGHTS A SHARK IN THIS MOVIE!!!

7. Cemetery Man: Another Italian film, and Rupert Everett's finest role. By turns darkly humorous and intensely, emotionally cruel, this is a most bizarre and affecting zombie movie.

6. Shaun of the Dead: The best of the recent crop of zombie flicks (again, with Land of the Dead taken out of consideration), it succeeds as both comedy and horror. I just wish it had led to Spaced getting an American DVD release. Damn it!

5. The Return of the Living Dead: The original fast zombie movie! (I'm pretty sure.) Also, the original zombie comedy! (I think.) In the middle of the vast '80s glut of horror movies, this stood out as one of the rare films to possess some real character and inventiveness. Plus Linnea Quigley's graveyard dance is super hot. I think I identify with these zombies the most. Brains!!

4. Night of the Living Dead: The godfather of the modern zombie genre; the benchmark against which all followers must be compared. A devastating snapshot of a nation's psyche; a terrifying exercise in claustrophobic dread and horror. "They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

3. Day of the Dead: George A. Romero created a masterpiece, then outdid himself twice. This second sequel took on the gung-ho military mindset so prevalent in the '80s, and also introduced the world to Bub, the best zombie ever.

2. Dead Alive: The goriest film ever made. Also a tremendously funny one. And, as in 28 Days Later, it all starts with a monkey. Pesky zombie monkeys! Peter Jackson is wasting his talents on giant chimps and talking trees. He needs to make more movies with evil zombie babies and ninja priests who say, "I kick arse for the Lord!"

1. Dawn of the Dead: I've already attested to the fact that this is the greatest movie of all time, so it should be no surprise to find it at #1 on this list. Great zombie effects, even by today's standards, and even accounting for the very fake, bright red paint-like blood, which is oddly charming. The intensely paranoid atmosphere outstrips the first, making this the scariest of Romero's Dead canon. This was a quantum leap forward for zombies, and horror films in general.

Missing from this list: Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series. Those movies seem to be more about demon possession than straight-up zombies. But if I were to count them, Evil Dead II ("Groovy!") would go right behind Dead Alive, with Army of Darkness ("Come get some!") following immediately after.

Brains.

2005-07-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

If this Australian zombie movie, which is just now being released in American theaters, is not marketed in the U.S. with the tagline, "Put another brain on the barbie" -- you're all fired.

Brains.

2005-07-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

RJM at The Baboon Bellows is mad that Cartoon Network cut a line out of a Futurama rerun, in which Prof. Farnsworth makes reference to "Sweet Zombie Jesus."

I don't understand why the line was cut, but I also don't understand why RJM is so upset, citing "politically correct" motives. What does that have to do with anything? I mean, I know Zombie Jesus. He works at the Mexican restaurant down the block. Makes the best brain enchilada in town. And he doesn't mind. He just says, "That's show biz."

By the way... I like Zombie Jesus, I think he's a fine, upstanding member of the Latino zombie community. But I don't think I would go so far as to call him "sweet". Frankly, I think "putrid" would be a more apt descriptor.

(Link once again courtesy of Greg at Delenda Est Carthago. He seems a little too interested in zombies, if you know what I mean. He even mentions my zombie dog, Bub. Greg, dude, stop co-opting my culture, all right? Zombie pride!)

Brains.

2005-07-04T15:35:00.000-07:00

How I love Independence Day! Hey, even zombies get patriotic.

Zombie Samuel Adams and I caught the parade, and we're going to a brain barbecue at Zombie John Hancock's later. I'm not really looking forward to that; after a few drinks, Sam always makes fun of John's huge signature, and John always tells Sam that his beer tastes like armpits, and then they smack the powdered wigs off each other's heads with little girly slaps. It's very embarrassing.

Brains.

2005-07-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

I need to go make a withdrawal from the brain bank. Hope I'm not overdrawn.

(Thanks to Greg of Delenda Est Carthago for the link.)

Brains.

2005-07-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

Saw Land of the Dead today. What can I say? Genius, pure, unsullied genius. Best film of the past 20 years (which was when Day of the Dead was released). If you do not see this film, if you go see that freak Tom Cruise's film instead, I swear to all that is unholy, I will hunt you down and eat the crap out of your brains. I am not even kidding.

I will also say this, and I can not stress enough how important this is: if Big Daddy is not nominated for an Oscar for Best Lead Performance by a Zombie, I will personally devour the brains of every single member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Even you, Ed Begley Jr.! Don't think I won't!!

Brains.

2005-07-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry, if I only had a brain.

Brains.

2005-06-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, I might as well 'fess up as to why I haven't yet seen the Master's grand finale to his Dead tetralogy (that's right, I said tetralogy). It's not like you haven't read about it in the gossip sheets already.

So, here it is: I lied about going on vacation last week. The truth is, I was in court-ordered rehab for brain addiction at Betty Ford. And while I was there -- hoo, this is tough! -- while I was there, I... I ate Christian Slater's brains.

And Anne Heche's.

And Whitney Houston's.

And I'm very very sorry. I --

Oh, and one of the Olsen twins. I forget which one. But she was only there for "exhaustion" (wink, wink).

I know this was detrimental to my recovery process, and --

Oh, yeah, Robert Downey, Jr. was there, too. But he was also in for brain-eating. And I don't even think he's a zombie! Last I saw him, I think he was chasing Lindsay Lohan ("stress" -- wink!).

And I promise I won't do it again. I realize now I need to take my life one brain at a time.

Day! One day at a time.

Ah, the hell with it. Where's Ben Affleck?? I don't care if he's on his honeymoon! BRING ME THE AFFLECK!!

Brains.

2005-06-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

I don't usually read comics, since they're generally aimed at people with less brains than I have (and my brain is deader than the Twist). But I had to address Zombie Tales, from Boom! Studios/Atomeka.

It's a collection of zombie-centric short stories, which is nice, I guess. But it's woefully unrepresentative of the average zombie's lifestyle, which, as I'm sure you well know by now, primarily involves the acquisition and consumption of human brains.

In fact, the only depiction of this essential zombie ritual occurs on page 29, and then only briefly, in one panel, with the resultant blood and gore rendered in lamentably tasteful and understated fashion. I mean, come on!! What is the point of portraying brain eating if you're not going to display in nauseating detail the nitty-gritty of the actual juicy, messy devouring of the brains? Sheesh!

I award this comic 11 brains. Which is the exact number of credited creators on the comic's cover, whose brains I will shortly acquire and consume. Mark Waid, Keith Giffen, Ron Lim: you have been warned! I am here to chew bubblegum and eat brains, and I'm all out of bubblegum!!

Brains.

2005-06-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from vacation, and I brought back my new pet with me:

His name is Bub, and he's a zombie dog! Friendly, too. He always politely sniffs your hand before mauling the holy living hell out of you. Good doggie!

Thanks to Shane for pointing my way to the adoption agency. Can you believe people are giving them away? It's the same old story: they create these wonderful, undead, uncontrollably violent, bloodthirsty, brain-eating hell beasts, and then they decide that they don't make good pets for children. Ridiculous! Oh well, their loss, my gain.

Some of you may recall that I have a kitty cat who is also named Bub. I guess I should say I had a kitty cat. He doesn't really need the name anymore; new Bub totally ate the hell out of old Bub. Bad doggie! Now who's going to chase all those zombie mice?

Brains.

2005-06-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm heading off on vacation today, so I'll be out of internet communication for about a week. Inspired by Sideways, and its depiction of California's lovely wine country, I'm taking a tour of California's lesser known but just as beautiful brain country.

And where exactly is brain country? Anywhere I say it is!

Brains.

2005-06-17T22:35:00.000-07:00

I spent four hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles today*. As I shuffled through the doors -- as usual, mindless, purposeless, bereft of compassion or reason -- and took a look around, I realized I had never felt so at home before.

I got a job application.

It seems like I'd fit right in, but the application is hard. I'm thinking about lying on question #3: "Do you enjoy eating human brains?" I suspect it's a trick question. I'm going to say "No: I eat human brains, but I don't enjoy it."

That job is as good as mine!

*No reason. I just like it there.

Brains.

2005-06-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

Note to self: pick up some Funyuns at the corner market. I love Funyuns. Might as well stock up on brains while I'm at it. The bagboy should do nicely.

Also, add Die Wachen and BatesLine to the list of people whose brains I promise to eat last, in thanks for linking to me.*

*Offer not valid in Kentucky, Lesotho, Vatican City, and wherever it is Die Wachen and BatesLine are located.

Brains.

2005-06-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

Zombie Tom's ultimate mix CD! This is my entry into Lefty Brown's Mixed Bag 2 CD exchange project. I didn't sign up for the project, and no one invited me, but I'm participating anyway, and anyone who doesn't like it may as well just scoop the brains out of their skull right now.

Warning: beware when clicking on the links to lyrics. I can't eat the brains of the proprietors of every lyrics site that tries to download junk on your computer, or has a million pop-ups, or whatever. I tried to find the safest links possible, but what's safe on my computer may not be so safe on yours.

When There's No More Room In Hell, This Mix Will Walk the Earth, or, Music To Eat Brains By

1. Tankard, intro to Zombie Attack
I open with a happy beginning: a zombie eats the lead singer of some obscure Germanic heavy metal band.

2. Rob Zombie, Living Dead Girl
The ultimate zombie artist. I almost included "Die, Zombie, Die" instead, but that's just mean. (Also, it kind of sucks.)

3. Murderdolls, She Was a Teenage Zombie
I'd never heard of these guys before this song, but they've got the zombie dating scene down cold. Which is apropos, since zombie daters tend to be cold. Ice cold.

4. The Zombies, She's Not There
I would go so far as to say, I would like these guys even if they didn't have such an excellent name.

5. Nas, Black Zombie
I debated whether or not to include this song. It contains frequent use of a racial epithet all too common to rap music, but that's not what made me hesitate; I don't feel any hatred behind the use of that word. What gave me pause was a line that could be interpreted as possibly anti-Arabic and anti-Semitic. Nas goes on to praise Islam in the next line -- but leaves a lingering doubt as to the anti-Semitism. I chose to assume the best, and included the song. I apologize if you see it differently. I'm a P.C. zombie, baby!

6. The Hooters, All You Zombies
Hee hee hee! Even a zombie has to laugh at "Hooters".

7. The Misfits, Braineaters
The first of three Misfits songs. What can I say? The Misfits are extremely zombie-friendly.

8. Palate cleanser #1: Katrina and the Waves, Walking On Sunshine
I find that a great mix needs to shift gears. So I include this song as a palate cleanser, if you will. From the light, happy, optimistic tunes about zombies ruling the earth, we switch to this deeply scary and disturbing dirge.

9. G. Love and Special Sauce, Night of the Living Dead
The beginning of the George A. Romero tribute trilogy.

10. Goblin, title theme to Dawn of the Dead
At least, I think it's the title theme. It's hard to tell, what with the song names being in Italian and all. At any rate, it's an instrumental track from the soundtrack to the greatest movie of all time.

11. The Misfits, Day of the Dead
More Misfits. I think Danzig is a zombie, but when I write to him and ask, my letters keep getting returned unopened. Maybe I shouldn't address them to the North Pole.

12. Hellbillys, Surf Zombies
Couldn't find the lyrics to this one, so I linked to the band instead. Despite the title, zombies don't actually surf all that often. We prefer boogie boarding.

13. Skycycle, It's Terror Time Again (from the Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island soundtrack)
The greatest animated movie of all time. For the first time, Scooby-Doo faces real monsters, and they're zombies! That's frickin' sweet.

14. The Misfits, Astro Zombies
Astro Zombies. Zombies... from space? Uh, sure. Why not? As far as you know, right? They'll eat your brains from geosynchronous orbit. Sucka!

15. Palate cleanser #2: Toni Basil, Mickey
The single most horrifying song ever performed. How's that for mixing things up? Hope I didn't scare you too badly.

16. The Cranberries, Zombie
When Dolores O'Riordan does that yodeling thing she does, it kind of sounds like me after my tongue fell out.

17. Groovie Ghoulies, Zombie Crush
I saw them open for The Donnas before I became a zombie. Man, I wish The Donnas were all zombies. And my roommates. And we solved crimes together. By the way, the link to the lyrics for this song are illustrative of the plagiaristic and stunted nature of the internet. The lyrics are slightly incorrect (where it says "sew my lips up" it should be "sew my lips shut," and where it says "sew my lips shut" it should be "sew my eyes up"), which isn't that alarming -- but the thing is every single other lyrics site on the entire internet has the exact same errors in the lyrics. The first person to transcribe the lyrics got it wrong; not one other person on the whole world wide web bothered to double check before copying and pasting those lyrics onto their site, errors intact. Stupid humans.

18. Faith No More, Zombie Eaters
From their fantastic album, The Real Thing [EDIT: My bad! I originally called the album Epic; that was the name of the hit single from the album]. A song from a baby's point of view, presumably a baby in training to be a zombie. Can babies become zombies? Find me a baby and I'll show you.

19. Harry Belafonte, Zombie Jamboree
Dig that Caribbean sound. I hear that on some of those Caribbean islands, voodoo priests use their powers to make zombies. Ha! That's just a myth. Everyone knows you become a zombie by kissing with your shoes off.

20. The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy, Zombie Love
I've never been in zombie love, but I've been in zombie like.

21. Ozzy Osbourne, Zombie Stomp
Featuring Rob Zombie. It's a long one, so I hope you like it. I enjoy eating brains while listening to it; you might want to try that, too.

22. Tom Petty, Zombie Zoo
I've been trying to win tickets to the Tom Petty/Jackson Browne concert all week. Petty rules! I swear, if I don't get through on the phone during the next giveaway, I'm just going to eat my way into the concert.

Brains.

2005-06-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

As if my day weren't already bad enough, Keith Richards never showed up at Golf n' Stuff.

Do you think he read this entry? Come on, Keith, I wouldn't really eat your brains! I was just messing with you! You're still getting me that backstage pass for your next show, right?

Right?

Brains.

2005-06-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Following yesterday's demand for a zombie bride with whom I could share my hopes, dreams, and brains, when I heard a knock on my door this morning, I of course assumed it was the early arrival of Angelina Jolie. But when I opened the door, who did I see instead?

Zombie Brad Pitt.

He beat the unholy unliving tar out of me. I have to admit, he delivered quite the hellacious zombie beatdown. I would have admired its thoroughness and savagery, had I not been on the receiving end.

No more demands for celebrity zombie brides from me.

Unless... does anyone know if Scarlett Johansson has a zombie boyfriend?

Brains.

2005-06-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I require a zombie bride, with whom I can share brains, long walks on the beach, and many hours of Hot Shots Golf 3.

I expect the delivery of Angelina Jolie to my zombie HQ by Friday. Don't make me ask twice.

Brains.

2005-06-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

Who do I have to call to get a pizza with brain toppings? (Half brain, half pineapple and brain, to be specific.) Domino's blocked my number.

Brains.

2005-06-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

I went over to my neighbor Bob the zombie's house today to play some Hot Shots Golf 3, and some jerk human had decapitated him.

Well, that's just great! I guess I can kiss that brain I loaned him goodbye.

Now I'm going to be grumpy all day. Man, if you have a brain, you do not want to run across me for the rest of the weekend, because I will eat it so fast, you don't even want to know!

Brains.

2005-06-10T11:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I've never seen this before. It's now my one-stop brain-eating shop.

Thanks to Markus at the Shocklines forum for pointing this out (and thanks to all the posters there for their good words -- I won't promise not to eat your brains, but I will try to make it quick).

Brains.

2005-06-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

So, I was hanging out with Keith Richards last night, and I asked him something I've wondered as long as I've known him: "Why haven't you ever eaten Mick Jagger's brains?"

And Keith told me -- get this -- he told me he's not a zombie.

I know! What the hell! You could've knocked me over with a feather. I mean, he looks like a zombie, he smells like a zombie... I just figured: zombie.

I was so shocked, I forgot to eat his brains. Maybe next week. We're going to Golf n' Stuff on Tuesday.

Brains.

2005-06-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm homesick. I could go for a plate of brains the way mom used to make them.

That's what I was talking about when I said her brains were delicious. She knew just the right way to prepare them. You didn't think when I said I ate her brains that I meant I ate her brains, like, out of her skull, did you? You did? You're sick!

Brains.

2005-06-08T07:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard someone say that a baby is so cute and cuddly, it looks good enough to eat? But then they never do.

My point is, I would make a bad babysitter.

Braaaiiinnnsss...

Brains.

2005-06-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

Whenever you get more than five zombies gathered together eating, some jerk's always gotta yell, "BRAIN FIGHT!"

Do you know how long it takes to scrub that kind of mess out of my decaying rags and tatters? It's murder on my sensitive skin, I'll tell you that much.

Brains.

2005-06-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

Now that I've been turned into a brain-eating zombie, cursed to wander the earth, aimlessly, ceaselessly, mindlessly, with no hope or comfort, nothing waiting for me other than the promise of eternal damnation should someone have mercy and end my miserable existence for me, do you know what I regret about my former human life?

I should've watched more TV. A lot more.

Watch TV, kids! Watch it while you still can! Watch it like there's no tomorrow!!

Brains.

2005-06-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

That "WILL WORK FOR BRAINS" sign I made is surprisingly ineffective.

Brains.

2005-06-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

All right, who took my brains? I was eating those.

Here's what I'll do: I'll turn my back, and count to three, and whoever took the brains can return them anonymously. No harm, no foul.

One.

Two.

Three.

DAMMIT!!

[EDIT: 11:48] Oh, now I remember, I ate those brains yesterday. Never mind.

Brains.

2005-06-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, I have another joke:

A bum told me, "I haven't had a bite for over a week." So I ate his brains!

Okay, I'm just messing with you. That's a true story.

I wonder if Henny Youngman was a zombie.

Brains.

2005-06-04T02:17:00.000-07:00

Brains...

Braaaiinnnssss...

Have you ever thought of what a weird word brains is? Braaaaaaaaaiiiinnnssss.....

Weird word. Word weird. Weirdy wordy wordy weird. Hee hee hee!

If you say it enough, it begins to lose all meaning: brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains. What does that even mean? "Brains."

And how can a sound that your mouth makes have any intrinsic meaning to begin with? Why should sounds be shackled by definitions? Why can't each individual -- no, hear me out -- why can't each individual determine the meaning of the sounds they make for themselves? Huh?

Braaaaiinnsss. That could mean: pretty butterfly. Or: world harmony.

[EDIT: 5 hours later] Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have eaten those brains at that Widespread Panic concert. Frickin' hippies.

Brains.

2005-06-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

I still say, if Dr. Phil didn't want to have his brains eaten, he shouldn't have gotten all up in my grill about being an undeadbeat dad.

Brains.

2005-06-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

In gratitude for linking to me, these are the people whose brains I will eat last*:

Brill Building
Mike Sterling's Progressive Ruin
Attentiondeficitdisorderly Too Flat
The Outbreak
The Dullard Gazette
Nat Pike of Wired for Sound (He linked to me on a board at Museum of Hoaxes; everyone else at Museum of Hoaxes gets their brains eaten tout de suite.)
Blog THIS, Pal!
Humid Cedar
BeaucoupKevin // BlogMachineGo
Pete Ashton's Weblog
Semioclast.com
greg.cohoon.name
Cafeexpresso (It's in Portuguese; Babel Fish translates the relevant entry as: "it is one day of the hell, then nothing more appropriate than recommends to the vocês zombieeatbrains, one blog on what!? ah yes. one zombie crazy for braaaaaains. f***ing hilarious. [Those last six words were already in English in the original post.] after twentieth post intitled brains, I could not more stop to laugh as a maniac. this in one day bad." Even a zombie gotta say: that's awesome.)
Near Mint Heroes
Grinding Metal
Sarcasmo's Corner
Incoming Signals
Kale's Journal
Ferret Press/PANEL Weblog (Only Tony; everyone else gets their brains eaten pronto.)
Bibi's Box
bilebovina (Another Portuguese site!)
M Valdemar (He even offered me a nice blogwarming gift.)
Noetic Concordance
Fourth of Six
House of the Ded
Delenda Est Carthago
The Sock Drawer
Roxy's World
JUST ADDED: 6/7, 10:51
Mystifying Oracle
Spatula Forum

Hey, even zombies want to be noticed.

If you also would like to join the list of me-no-eat-your-brains, just link to this site and let me know about it in a comment.

*Guarantee only valid if you are not close to hand and/or I'm not hungry. But let's face it, I'm always hungry. For brains.

Brains.

2005-05-31T01:17:00.000-07:00

Man, if I thought my zombie cat Bub used to smell bad, it was only because I had never smelled him after accidentally locking him in an unplugged refrigerator sitting in the back alley during a record-breaking heatwave over a three-day weekend before.

P.U., kitty! You're a stinky kitty, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!

Brains.

2005-05-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day on Monday. WOO! Three-day weekend. I'm partyin' down with these babes in Nawlins, and I'm bringin' my beads!

SHOW US YOUR BRAINS! SHOW US YOUR BRAINS!!!

Brains.

2005-05-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

I always tell myself I'm going to stop after just one brain, but then I always go ahead and finish the whole pack.

Brains.

2005-05-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

These brains are going straight to my hips, I just know it.

Brains.

2005-05-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you, even for me, it's a little unsettling watching my zombie cat Bub eat the brains out of all those squirrels.

You gotta draw the line somewhere.

[EDIT: 5:37 PM] Ate some squirrel brains.

Brains.

2005-05-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

If I had a brain for every brain I've ever eaten, I would eat those brains, too.

Brains.

2005-05-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

Questions and answers from yesterday's comments.

The questions:

1) Why aren't there more Zombie support groups? I mean I saw an ad for a lesbian zombie support group, but we can't all be lesbians.
2) Have you ever considered doing an advice column? I bet there a lot of
zombies out there who need a little advice from a level headed zombie such
as yourself.
3) Are you angry about the lack of zombie representation in the media or
government? I know I would be if I were a zombie.
4) Do you hate wind chimes as much as a zombie as you did when you were alive?
5) If a zombie is trying to eat my brains and I fend him or her off by
chopping off their legs, is that a hate crime?
6) Is it brain or brains for the singular organ located in the head? A
zombie would know.

TheCrwth

The answers:

1. Speak for yourself.
2. I advise more brain eating.
3. Frankly, you'd be surprised at how many zombie representatives there already are in the media and government. Matt Lauer? Totally undead. Geraldo Rivera? Undead as a three-dollar bill. Dick Cheney? May possibly never have been alive to begin with. Hilary Clinton? Half-undead (on her mother's side.)
4. Wind chimes make fine Mother's Day gifts, as long as you don't live with your mother.
5. No, have at it! It won't help you, anyway.
6. I don't cares what you calls 'em, I just likes to eats 'em.

Brains.

2005-05-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

If I had known my career path would lead me into brain eating, I probably wouldn't have wasted those three years getting my Masters' in Art History.

Brains.

2005-05-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Hey, the new Star Wars opens today. I probably won't go see it (the manager complains that I eat too many brains), but I will say this.

I'm a mindless zombie, bereft of any cognitive faculties or free will, my decaying, blood-and-oxygen-deprived brain only able to generate the single dim impulse to acquire (and consume) more brains... and even I could've written a better movie than Phantom.

I'm just sayin'.

Jar Jar sucks!

Brains.

2005-05-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

Interesting discovery: if you Google Bub the Zombie*, it asks you, "did you mean: bob the zombie".

No, dude. I mean Bub. If I wanted Bob the zombie, I could just go next door and talk to him myself.

Nevertheless, here are a couple of Bob the zombie links:

Bob the Zombie
Bob Zombie

Did I mean Bob the zombie. Sheesh! I'm so gonna eat their brains for that.

*My cat's name.

Brains.

2005-05-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember my pet kitty cat? He came back! I must not have gotten quite all of his itty bitty kitty brains, because now he's a zombie cat. He's so cute! Bumping into things, moaning the eerie moan of the damned, trying to eat my brains and whatnot. I named him Bub.

Brains.

2005-05-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

Today's Friday the 13th.

Jason was a wuss. He never even ate anybody's brains.

Brains.

2005-05-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

I've got a fever for the flavor of a pineal.

Braaaaaiiinnnsss.

Brains.

2005-05-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

I don't have to eat brains, you know. I can quit any time I want. It's just that I happen to enjoy eating brains, thank you very much.